baby steps

i hope everyone had a splendid holiday! i know i did. usually getting together with my extended family can be a tad stressful, but both christmases went very well. a lot of my cousins are now older so we can all relate to each other and have conversations about school-more so than when we were younger. so we had a great time. i was also extremely spoiled by my parents, as i am every year. i like to think that although im spoiled, im not a spoiled brat. im very appreciative of what i have and hope my parents know this.

ive been working a LOT. and im beginning to not like my job at all. i think i just need a day off. which i cant tell you when my next one is. i did have this past weekend off though. all my mom wanted for christmas was a weekend away at this condo she loves. so my family went for saturday and sunday. we went on a sleigh ride, walked around in the really nice weather, shopped. all kinds of fun christmassy stuff. we had a good time. then on sunday night when we got home my friend M had just gotten back from school. i hadnt seen her since this summer so we decided to get together for drinks. we can go months without talking and pick up right where we left off feeling as though no time had passed. thats what i love about our friendship. when we got to the bar three kids we had gone to high school and hadnt really seen since graduation were there. they offered for us to sit with them so we did, and had polite, somewhat awkward conversation with them-catching up on what everyone was doing. two of them were girls that i was never really close with, but one was a guy that i have known since kindergarden. we've grown up together, but we kind of grew apart during high school, not really hanging out in the same crowd. but when they got up to leave he asked if i was going to be around this weekend to go out for a drink, and asked for my number. i find this very interesting. we shall see if he actually calls. im not sure what the premise of the drinks is exactly. friends catching up? a date? who knows. but i found myself somewhat excited.

speaking of exciting, ive gotten a few emails back from the marine. nothing huge, but its definitely nice to hear back from him:) i wish he could call back sometime, even though i told him it was ok not to call back since it was too expensive. i try to not overdo it by sending too many emails, but i get excited and lose patience waiting to hear back from him. i just hope we can keep talking as much until he gets back.

on the other hand, ive only gotten one email from assimus. i miss her a lot but i dont want to bug her and her bf so ive tried to back off a little. i texted them awhile ago and didnt hear back, so i emailed them to make sure everything was ok and still didnt hear back for a couple days until the other night. im sad to say its almost as if-out of sight, out of mind. and im not really a fan of not talking to her everyday like im used to. and a downfall of mine is that i get stubborn after awhile and think-fine. if they dont want to talk to me, then they wont have to and i wont get in touch with them either, which doesnt help the situation either. im just sort of hurt because its not how i thought things would go over break. we'll see when school starts back up i guess.

ive also started looking into options for after graduation. big sis got me a few books to read-the turbulent twenties survival guide and a car some cash and a place to crash. both books on what to do during/after graduation and how to cope with it :p i guess she could sense my anxiety and thought i could use some help. so ive looked for jobs at hospitals in the area, but i looked for some positions at an amazing childrens hospital about 1500 miles away. i would absolutely love to work there. but its sooo far away. moving would be such a huge step for me to do on my own. but it could also be a great change for me as well. so during spring break i decided to take a trip there to see if i like it. that way if i dont i can at least cross that option off my list completely. and if i do like it-well ill figure that out when i get to that point. but its made me feel as though im starting to get myself prepared and that im starting to take a few steps in the right direction. i have something to say when i get the ever popular question, "so what are your plans after graduation?" when before it was a dumbfounded silence or shrug of the shoulders has now become some sort of plan. and it feels good.

just say no

today was a good day. i got up and helped my dad stack wood (yay for new england winters) and then got lunch with my parents. then dad and i did errands all afternoon-picking up last minute christmas gifts. then tonight i had a christmas party for work out of town. nothing big. more like a few people getting together at a friend's house with a secret santa and pot luck dinner. it was alright. a lot of older people that i work with and dont necessarily get along with. at one point tonight my boss cornered me and asked me to go in early tomorrow. i wanted to say noooo sorry im busy. but because i dont have plans and i cant say no when people ask favors, i said sure why not. so instead of an 8 hour day, i get to look forward to a 10 hour one. and at a grocery store the week before christmas-its not looking too great. i almost wished i had chosen to work my other job as a cna that i had this summer. they both wanted me back. i wanted something low key and less stress. sooo i decided this job why? who knows.

and im tired. last night i tossed and turned for a good hour when i got into bed and didnt fall asleep till 230-making for a very tired and somewhat grumpy me tonight. and my body is sore from all the shoveling and stacking wood in the past few days since ive been home. granted its good for me to be getting the exercise, but its been awhile and i can definitely feel it. so. sorry for the boring post, but i think it is time for bed. i have a very long day tomorrow.

what if you

so finals are over. YAY! my last nursing final was yesterday morning then i had to rush back to my apartment and pack to head home for break. my plan was to relax and stay one more night but with the storm coming i had to leave early.

as much as i was annoyed, i ended up having a pretty good time with my friend that came to visit. the weather sucked for the ride back from picking her up however. and trying to study with someone always around was a tad difficult. i probably didnt study enough for my final on saturday, but oh well. we had a good time. i dropped her off on my way home then met my mom for dinner and picked up some supplies since we were snowed in all day today.

being home is weird. ive come to that point where it doesnt exactly feel like home anymore. my apartment at school feels more like home than here, and when i come here its just for a visit. my room hasnt changed or anything, but the feeling definitely has. im not sure if i was ready for that. i go back to work tomorrow-back to the place ive worked since i was 16. its not the greatest but the people are nice and i need some money. plus it will keep me busy over vacation.

only one semester stands between me and graduation. very scary thought. and this semester flew by way faster than i planned/liked. i wish there was a pause button for this break. if i could stall for just a little bit, it would be perfect. i need to make actual concrete decisions this break (which will be encouraged and pushed along by my parents.) i had made a goal for myself that i would start planning my after graduation plans this break. never thought it would come so fast. im not anywhere closer to any decision than i was at the beginning of this year. it all comes down to the fact that im scared of making the wrong choices. however im not sure how many choices i actually have at the moment. we shall see i guess.

things are changing with assimus and her bf as well. shes finally got her own place-very exciting-and her bf is staying there with her as well. however theyve only had this place for about a week and i already feel as though we're drifting. i saw them less than normal-ok. a lot less. and a months break isnt going to help that fact i dont think. we havent made any plans to see each other over break, and truthfully i dont see it happening. maybe its good practice for graduation when i leave and they stay and we go weeks without seeing each other. but it still sucks now.

i also havent heard back from the marine. i responded to his email last week when i got it and have been patiently (ok.impatiently) waiting. i know its going to be hard to try to keep in touch with him. because its so random when he can actually access a phone or computer i should stop expecting things so that when i do hear from him its even better. however since he called last week ive found myself thinking about him a lot more. to the point where i got home and dug for a picture i knew i had somewhere of us from high school. its the only picture i have of us together. i found it eventually but now im at a loss as to what to do with it. my mom asked me last night if i would ever date him. an immediate nod came out of nowhere. would i really? of course is my initial thought. then i wonder if i just think that because he is so far away for so long. if he was standing in front of me now would i still think the same thing? i would like to think so. amazing time for me to figure this all out now-after he just left for 9 months. its all just a waiting game for now i guess. but i can say for sure that i miss him a lot and his face has taken up residence in my head.

1 DOWN 1 to go

so i just finished taking my english final this morning, meaning only one left on saturday. thank god. on my way to my final, running a few minutes later than usual i attempted to jog up the stairs. big mistake. i faceplanted. yup. going UPstairs. and slammed my knee into the edge of a stair. being as im shy and completely uncomfortable being in the spotlight, i didnt dare turn around to catch a glimpse of who could have possibly seen me. i got up as quickly as i could ignoring the pain and practically ran to class. to make matters worse my knee throbbed all during my final making it difficult to concentrate. this week just keeps getting better...

ive got to go shower before driving to pick up my friend halfway. yup. great.

Venting

im so annoyed. so this post may make me seem like a complete bitch. but whatever. i dont think anyone reads it anyways.

being as its finals week, im already stressed. one of my close friends from college who graduated last year and just recently moved far away wants to come visit this week. i told her it was finals week and i would have some studying to do, but she said she could visit other people while im studying, so i said sure. adding to this, she then asked if she could stay until i go home, and get a ride back with me. seeing as i sort of go by her old hometown, its not too far out of the way, but the fact that she assumes this is all fine really irks me. and i had planned on hanging out with some friends before i left since i wont see them for awhile, but this friend doesnt necessarily get along with some of my other friends, so it makes hanging out all together not such a great idea. so i have to change my plans. now i just got a call from her asking if i can meet her mom halfway tomorrow to pick her up seeing as she doesnt have a car while shes visiting. i want to say NO! this week is bad timing to begin with nevermind having to drive to come pick you up! but i cant. i feel mean and that she'll be mad if i say no. i know to some, this probably doesnt seem like such a problem and i shouldnt be annoyed. but seriously. its too stressful at the moment. i havent seen her in forever, so its not that i dont want to see her. i do. its just bad timing. and she doesnt seem to get that.

on top of things, i got ditched last night. theres this guy who i became very fast friends with my freshman year, and also developed a very serious attraction for him. unlucky for me, he had a very serious girlfriend. we hung out every day. which was great and not so great since i liked him so much. we had a very close friendship and i loved every minute of it-except the gf part. there was always lots of flirting and sexual tension as well, although never acted on (minus one very drunk night on my part basically throwing myself at him-which he refused). there is just something about him that i find myself very attracted to and i have held a flame for him ever since we met. i dont know if i want to use the word love, but i have never felt so strongly about anyone, i dont know how else to describe it. ive liked others since him, but hes always been there. it got easier sophmore year when he moved off campus and i didnt see him everyday, but to this day everytime i see him, the feelings come flooding back. well assimus is taking over his room at his apartment since hes moving out, so ive seen him a few times this past week or so. monday we went over so she could finalize things with him and he mentioned a party last night that he was going to, and wanted me to go to. hes invited me before, but i usually chicken out because i dont like going by myself. he knew that i might, so he offered to actually pick me up for the party, which was a first. i stupidly got excited. last night rolls around and i dont hear from him. i wasnt all that surprised, but it still hurt, more than i care to admit.

and im lonely. ive been sitting in my apartment by myself either studying or trying to pass the time. i need more friends. i dont like being alone. i know i shouldnt rely on others to be happy, but i find myself doing that a lot. which makes it even worse that im complaining about my friend coming to visit. i should be excited to have company. so then i just feel guilty for being annoyed at her coming. ugh.

oh and the dog owner? havent heard from him since last weekend. turns out i was just available when he needed the favor, but i was no longer needed after that, so why talk to me? right. makes sense.

and is it really necessary for me to smell every meal that the people living downstairs make?? especially when its not a very appealing aroma.

add up all these things and im just stressed and hurt and annoyed-equaling not a very happy me. so whatever. call me a bitch. i dont really care at the moment.

it's the little things

this weekend was so great. big sis came up to visit and we went shopping when she got here on saturday..and we ended up getting more things for ourselves rather than christmas shopping for everyone else...whoops. but we had a good time. sunday we spent the day getting ready for an early christmas dinner that i was having here for some friends from school. assimus and i had planned it and were expecting about 15-20 people. and no, my apartment is not that big. assimus and i had done the groceries earlier in the week so big sis and i did some last minute errands then set up and starting cooking. its a lot of work to prepare food for that many people! but it was fun doing it-we got a few laughs too. everyone started showing up around 6 and all the guys gathered around the tv for the pats game which was good. we ended up having about 14 or so people come, and i think it was a success. everyone seemed to enjoy the food, and the company. it was a good way to see everyone before break.


yesterday big sis and i went to get our matching tattoos! i already have one, but big sis didnt so she was a bit nervous. however deciding to get mine on my ribs made me a little nervous too. she wanted to go first, thinking if she watched me get mine she might not get hers haha. they didnt take very long, although it was pretty painful, but they look great! im so glad we did it together:)


now for a change of subject...
my junior year in high school i met this really great guy while actually trying to set him up with one of my close friends. she wasnt interested, but it got us talking and getting to know each other. at the time, judging from his reputation and just what i had heard from others about him, i didnt really think he was my type-partier, smoked pot, bad boy type. however as i got to know him, he was-still is-the sweetest most caring individual. we ended up talking every night for hours, about anything. he definitely had my best interests at heart and treated me amazingly. for reasons that i cant really explain or understand myself, when he asked me out i said no. he was willing to change to be the guy that i thought would be right for me. maybe in a sense i didnt want him to have to change? to this day it remains a huge regret of mine and something i would go back and change if i could. but thankfully, being the amazing guy he is, we remained close friends-talking and hanging out. he was my date for prom that year and we had a great time. my senior year (he was a year younger than i was in school) we grew apart a little, not talking as much, but we stayed good friends. when i went away to college we pretty much stopped talking, unless once in awhile either of us would call the other out of the blue to catch up. i love that we can not talk for months, but pick up the phone and talk as though no time has passed. he joined the marines after graduation and moved to california. although he was a great guy in high school, joining the marines was a good decision for him and he has matured immensely and become an amazing individual and im so proud of what hes done. maybe he has become the person i thought he could be back then-or wanted him to be? this summer we started talking a lot again, a few times a week, but i havent seen him in a few years because hes been in cali. we attempted to meet up a few times, but something always got in the way. then he got deployed at the end of october before i had a chance to see him, but we kept in touch until then, with a promise that we would keep in touch while he was gone. until he could get ahold of me, all i could do was wait. well on monday while we were at the tattoo parlor, assimus answered my phone, and not understanding who it was, passed it over to me.
"Hey you, do you know who this is??"
i was beyond excited. a huge smile crept over my face and my stomach suddenly became home to hundreds of butterflies. he was calling. from across the world. to talk to me. of all people he could call to talk to, he chose me. its a great feeling. we talked for about 10 minutes and he said he finally found my email after losing it, so there was an email waiting for me at home:) needless to say i checked it immediately when i got home. the rest of the day i floated on this high. we've talked on the phone a million times, but this was different. one because i knew he was safe, but two because the fear i had of us losing connection again was gone.

i will keep you updated on emails:) but for now i just have to make it through the rest of this week. last classes were yesterday and finals start tomorrow. thank god i only have two to study for. tomorrow is my first final-english-blech. my other final isnt until saturday in nursing-but worth wayyy more than i care to remind myself. then i get to head home on sunday-which im not sure if im as excited as usual? maybe im too stressed to think of it now. who knows.

for now its back to the books...

with a smile

so ive recently come to the conclusion due to complete boredom that my life needs a little more excitement. i have way too much free time annnnd not a whole lot to do. i guess my free time should be spent more on getting school work done, but lately i havent had much to do. and with my two favorites getting new jobs, ive kind of been left to entertain myself. and im not that fun. take today for instance. i had class till 11 then came back here and did absolutely nothing. made some lunch, made a few phone calls and that about sums up my afternoon. and grocery shopping with assimus later tonight is looking to be the highlight of my friday evening. i like not having to worry about having a job during school, but im also getting restless. i need something to do. im just glad that christmas break is in about a week and i can head home. im planning on going back to my high school job for break to earn a little extra money, and to keep me busy i suppose.

my big sis is coming up to visit me tomorrow though!! that is DEF exciting:) shes spending the weekend here so we can get our tattoos on monday. im psyched. hopefully she is too haha. we dont have too many plans besides some christmas shopping and hanging out. but on sunday night her, assimus and i are planning an early christmas dinner for a bunch of friends from school. we're looking at feeding about 20 people, although my apartment only has seating for about 10ish, so that will be interesting. since assimus has to work all day sunday, big sis and i will spend the day preparing. should be fun bonding time for her and i:) and the dinner should be a good opportunity for me to make new friends, since i dont really know many of the people coming over. their a lot of assimus and her bf's friends. maybe it'll help me come out of my shell a little. we'll see.

so the phone just rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello beautiful." (which elicits a curious grin-i dont get too many calls like that. ok i lied. i dont ever get calls like that.)
"Um..whos this?"

its the dog owner. my heart jumps a little. i havent talked to him all week and im excited hes called. then here it comes.
"Coulddddd you do me a favor?"
right. of course. now it makes sense. he needs me to let his dog out again. something came up unexpectedly. and of course i nod, smile and say yes. i dont say no to many people. ok. i dont say no to anyone when it comes to favors. he says he owes me for taking care of his dog last weekend and for helping him with a paper for school. he said this last week. said hed cook dinner. tonight he offered dinner AND dessert. which, im guessing isnt actually ever going to happen. its just a nice thing to offer since im doing him the favor. what i really want to say is-you just called me because yes im probably home and one of the few people you would trust to look after your dog and you know i would do it for you. but no. i dont say that. im just going to go over tonight and let the dog out. cause its what i do. and if i get dinner-great. if not-nothing new.

100 things

with the snow piling up outside and im holed up inside my apartment, i figured what better time to work on my blogging. taking the idea from some other blogs i have read, here are 100 things about me...

100. i love snow. ive always wanted to go snowmobiling or snowshoeing but have never had the chance.

99. my favorite color has always been orange but lately i think its becoming red.

98. i love to read-but only when i dont have to. ask me to read for classes and its like pulling teeth.

97. i have a stuffed animal. yes dont laugh. ive had him since 4th grade and hes a white dog named humphrey.

96. i am an avid movie watcher. i love movies and own over 200 of them. but that doesnt even compare to my sister who probably owns over 500.

95. i am a godmother to the cutest little boy. i feel like im missing out on too much of his childhood because he lives a few hours away and i dont get to visit as much as i want to.

94. i have a tattoo. which to many people was surprising because i am the last person my friends thought would do it. and im going for a second one with my sister soon. makes me feel rebellious i guess you could say.

93. as dorky as it sounds, i miss high school.

92. my favorite time of year is fall.

91. im addicted to mountain dew which is very bad for you. but hey, we all have our vices right?

90. im addicted to AIM too, im on alllll the time. makes me feel connected to other people. ok..so i have 2 vices.

89. im a very punctual person. i am almost always early and HATE being late. and i hate when other people are late.

88. im extremely shy-to the point where it hinders my social skills at times.

87. i love northface. at any one time i will probably be outfitted in something with their logo on it.
86. i am extremely blessed to have sister that cares about me as much as she does. she is willing to do anything for me with no questions asked. not everyone can say that. im one of the lucky ones.

85. im not a fan of my landlords and cant wait to move. and remind me to get a landlord that doesnt live nearby.

84. im thinking this list will be harder than i originally thought.

83. im a sap for reminiscing on old memories and pictures and laughing about them with friends.
82. i love the season from thanksgiving to christmas. the snow, christmas music, decorations. everyone seems happy and excited.

81. i like going out on the weekends and having fun.

80. im terrified of the future and of making the wrong choice after graduation (which is coming in 6 months).

79. i love to stay up late and sleep in, but i hate wasting away the day.

78. i am a procrastinator and will usually save work until the day before it is due before finishing it. i like to say i work better under stress-but who knows really.

77. i hate that it gets dark at 430. makes it kind of depressing.

76. i was valedictorian of my high school class and gave a speech at graduation. i hate telling people that, that they think im bragging or rubbing it in their face. thats not it, im just proud of myself, and that doesnt happen very often.

75. i go to a part military college in a verrry small town. but i like it as much as i may complain about it sometimes.

74. i love to dance, but only when no ones watching. or when im drunk enough to not know the difference.

73. ive never been in a relationship. im ready for that to change.

72. i love reading quotes and i read a quote of the day every day. thank you holly.

71. i dont like being alone most of the time. i get lonely very quickly.

70. i got a black eye when i was 5 racing with my sister to turn off a light.

69. the people that live below me are very loud and very annoying (for instance while im typing this there is a constant pounding noise coming from downstairs and i have no idea what it is). but im too much of a nice person/scaredy cat to ask them to be a little quieter. did i mention they have their own band? exactly.

68. contrary to what you may think from the previous statement, i love music and i like finding songs and artists that are new and not very popular. i hate hearing the same songs played on the radio all the time. it gets boring.

67. i will never end a conversation at night with my best friend from high school without saying night friend:).

66. add one more 6 and its evil, although i dont believe in superstitions.

65. i learned how to ski back in middle school, but never kept with it. now i wish i had so i could ski better. im setting a goal to go skiing this winter.

64. my favorite tv shows at the moment are october road, greys anatomy and prison break.

63. i hate waking up to an alarm.

62. i dont have many friends, but the ones i do have are amazing and i couldnt be luckier. quality over quantity.

61. i dont like to talk about myself, so making this list is hard.

60. i love hot chocolate. hate coffee.

59. im a jealous person but dont like to admit it. its definitely a downfall of my personality.

58. i miss my parents. they are simply amazing and i dont tell them that nearly enough.

57. im not a fan of change and avoid it at all costs if possible.

56. i feel bad downloading music for free so i buy it all of itunes and spend way too much.

55. my mom says you can tell exactly what im thinking through my eyes, which isnt always a good thing. ive tried to work on it, but i think its just who i am, for good or bad.

54. i couldnt get kenny chesney tickets for this coming year and im wicked bummed about it.

53. yes i just used the word wicked.

52. sometimes i find myself in ruts. sad, throw myself a pity party, woe is me kind of things. i dont know how to fix them. wish i did because it hurts my relationships with my friends, which is the last thing i need. im working on it.

51. i own lots of clothes but wear the same outfits all the time, which annoys assimus.

50. i only type with my two index fingers and my thumb. it looks funny, but it works, and im pretty fast at it too.

49. i prefer bright colors and patterns to dark and plain colors.

48. i get bored easily.

47. i tend to be picky sometimes, but i hate making decisions, its too much pressure.

46. i had a timeline set up for my life, but realized this is unrealistic and im trying to come to terms with it and reorganize.

45. i was a cheerleader for 8 years up until high school, then did it freshman year of college, and will never regret it because i made some amazing friends.

44. im allergic to jewelry. it was really bad when i was little, but its getting better as i get older.

43. im a sap for romantic love stories, especially movies, but then they just leave me jealous and wanting what i dont have.

42. id rather be cold than hot. i love to layer in sweatshirts and cozy blankets.

41. my roomate practically does not live with me because she is never here and i realize i never want to live by myself. its way too lonely. and creepy.

40. i wish i had better style.

39. my parents spoil me tremendously, but i like to think im not a brat about it. i hope so anyways.

38. i check facebook a couple times a day. yes i am a dork.

37. i like homemade presents rather than store bought ones.

36. i like taking naps.

35. i love getting cd's made by other people and listening to them for the first time. its also exciting.

34. i like shoes, and will buy them if they look cute even if they are not that comfortable.

33. i like tradition, and i dont like it when its broken.

32. my family takes a major trip almost once a year. my favorite was aruba.

31. i have always wanted to go to australia. i am going to go someday.

30. i dont like beer or wine and im not too keen on the taste of liquor either, but i prefer that over the other two.

29. im pretty good at keeping secrets.

28. i dont like being lied to. it hurts my feelings.

27. i would give anything for my friends and family. they are what keep me going and i try to always put them first.

26. i trust pretty easily, but once that trust is broken i have a hard time getting it back.

25. the age my sister is turning this year, which is very weird. it doesnt seem like we're growing up that fast.

24. i wish i was more impulsive. the few times i have been have been some of the most fun times ive had.

23. i hate the fact that assimus will be so far away come graduation. when youre used to spending every day with someone, a few days apart feels like weeks.

22. im surprised that ive remained close to my high school best friend, and im so grateful for it.

21. my parents are still together, which is a rarity these days. i can only hope to have half as great a marriage as theirs.

20. i like to laugh. its the best medicine.

19. sometimes i wonder if i chose the right career. kind of late to think of that now.

18. im still a virgin. and proud of it.

17. i got my license on the first try.

16. i hardly ever skip class and when i do i feel like a rebel.

15. spring semester my sophmore year will probably be the best semester i had during college. i have THE best memories from it. dependee would agree.

14. im afraid of failure.

13. ive been working on this for 2 hours.

12. i feel uncomfortable talking on the phone. i text instead to avoid the awkwardness.

11. no one will probably read this besides my sister.

10. i like surprises, even small gestures that mean you care.

9. i take after my dad-we have so much in common and get along great. and i love it. i feel bad that my mom knows this.

8. i dont deal with guilt very well. i let it fester and it eats me up inside.

7. someday i want the whole-husband, family, white picket fence, dog package.

6. i dont want to move too far away from my family after graduation. i like being a drive away.

5. im extremely stubborn.

4. how old i was when i was in the hospital for a kidney infection and my dad bought me a talking mickey.

3. i like being the person someone can count on and look to for help. i think its just who i am. i dont like needing other peoples help and dont like admitting when i do.

2. i am a big dork and im usually ok with it. my friends accept it and sometimes join in.

1. life is what you make it. always has been. always will be. i am determined to make it great. no one else is going to do it for me.

brrr...

so im bad at keeping up with this whole blogging thing, or knowing what to say exactly. so on this cold saturday evening, when i have nothing better to do, here is my attempt at starting again.

so today i had nothing to do and spent the entire day catching up on episodes of october road with two walks with my friends dog thrown in. hes gone for the weekend and asked me to watch his adorable golden retriever. and with me having no life, said sure, why not. nothing better to do. being alone all day however definitely makes time for some wanted/unwanted self-reflection. with assimus and her bf both getting new jobs, they will now be occupied both days every weekend from 8-5ish, and with early mornings making for early nights, my social life has severely taken a cut, because they are pretty much the only two friends i really hang out with on a consistant basis. i guess me relying soley on them for my social life wasnt too smart. its also hard sometimes. when your two closest friends are a twosome, it makes the idea of being a constant third wheel something less than desired. i love them to death, dont get me wrong, but it would be nice to be a foursome sometimes. also, spending an entire day watching a romantic comedy series will have you wishing for that which you lack. makes you wonder why things cant happen like they do on movies/TV. it all looks so romantic with the grandiose displays of affection and things working out just right. and we all love it-even though we may not always admit it. told you-too much time spent alone thinking today.

which brings me back to the dog owner. hes a good friend of mine and ive known him for a few years. but lately ive been looking at him as more than just a friend. he used to be interested in me awhile back, and we've kissed once, but nothing has come of it. im not exactly sure why? when i knew that he was interested, i stayed away and avoided him. when i thought he was over it, i began to talk to him, hang out and flirt again. explanation? no.idea. my easy-get out of explaining maintaining my single status when someone has shown interest, answer is-im afraid of commitment. or the idea of completely opening up to someone enough to be hurt keeps me from getting involved. and the very few times that i have, ive gotten burned. nothing worth writing about, but enough to make me cautious. adding to my problems, im the queen of avoidance. give me any awkward, unwanted situation and i can probably offer a suggestion on how to avoid it. anytime i feel uncomfortable-which is often-i manage to escape and avoid the situation from then on out. courage? guts? balls? i have none. my fear keeps me from doing many things. my fear of intimacy has also kept me from maintaining any physical contact with the opposite sex past the first encounter-and from entering any relationship. why you ask? again. no clue. there are so many unanswered questions about myself that i have yet to find the solution to that makes me wonder if that is the real reason i have always been and still remain single. i need to find myself before anyone else does it first.

like i said.too much alone time today.dont judge.