too much to handle
one word to describe these past few weeks? stressful. i have so many things to do, not only for school but also to make some sort of plans for after graduation. all of the semi-plans i thought would be so easily carried out have somehow fallen by the wayside. but oh well [i hope]. ive forced myself to accept that what i wanted, or thought i wanted might not happen right away. so what if i have to move home for a few months to figure out my next step. right? right...
ive been overwhelmed with the amount of work that i have to do in the next two months. add that to 18 hours of clinical time each week with a preceptor who is the closest definition to a flake as i have seen. im exhausted.
not only is school stressful, but my relationships with the people around me are becoming more complex by the day. after an entire month of not speaking, assimus and i think we might have worked things out. but me? im still reeling from the fact that my so-called best friend ditched me for her own personal reasons for 4 straight weeks. and i cant seem to get myself over the fact that im hurt. we have hung out only once since things were quote unquote smoothed over. and that one time? awkward. i cant seem to lower the wall i had worked so hard to build up this past month. i had tried to get to the point where i was ok with things. if she wanted to talk, so be it. if not, then i would find some way to get over it. now that my guard is up, im having a hard time letting her back in. i dont want to get hurt again. i definitely dont deserve it for the friend i have been to her over the past year. and i dont know how to get back to the way things were.
due to the absence of assimus recently, ive forced myself to become more independent. and by more? i mean hanging out with a few other friends alone when previously i would have been with her. one friend in particular is j. he goes to school with me and throughout this whole month has become one of the best guy friends i could ask for. hes let me vent and helped me keep my cool when things have been rough. we have formed a habit of talking at least every day, if not through im, then phone calls and texts. there is an ease to our friendship that is refreshing. when we first started talking there was no expectation of anything more. we were friends. lately ive been hanging out with him more and more. we go out on weekends. i hang out at his house during the week. my so-called "friend" feelings are slowly becoming something more. i find myself becoming anxious to talk to him each day. whats wrong with this picture you're thinking?
well...he just happens to be married.
ive been overwhelmed with the amount of work that i have to do in the next two months. add that to 18 hours of clinical time each week with a preceptor who is the closest definition to a flake as i have seen. im exhausted.
not only is school stressful, but my relationships with the people around me are becoming more complex by the day. after an entire month of not speaking, assimus and i think we might have worked things out. but me? im still reeling from the fact that my so-called best friend ditched me for her own personal reasons for 4 straight weeks. and i cant seem to get myself over the fact that im hurt. we have hung out only once since things were quote unquote smoothed over. and that one time? awkward. i cant seem to lower the wall i had worked so hard to build up this past month. i had tried to get to the point where i was ok with things. if she wanted to talk, so be it. if not, then i would find some way to get over it. now that my guard is up, im having a hard time letting her back in. i dont want to get hurt again. i definitely dont deserve it for the friend i have been to her over the past year. and i dont know how to get back to the way things were.
due to the absence of assimus recently, ive forced myself to become more independent. and by more? i mean hanging out with a few other friends alone when previously i would have been with her. one friend in particular is j. he goes to school with me and throughout this whole month has become one of the best guy friends i could ask for. hes let me vent and helped me keep my cool when things have been rough. we have formed a habit of talking at least every day, if not through im, then phone calls and texts. there is an ease to our friendship that is refreshing. when we first started talking there was no expectation of anything more. we were friends. lately ive been hanging out with him more and more. we go out on weekends. i hang out at his house during the week. my so-called "friend" feelings are slowly becoming something more. i find myself becoming anxious to talk to him each day. whats wrong with this picture you're thinking?
well...he just happens to be married.
posted by we're all a little weird @ 12:22 PM
2 Comments:
At March 25, 2008 at 2:17 PM ,
Seg (South Eastern Girl) said...
Man, I have the same thing going on to a T, with my former best friend (who also just happens to be my sister!) She just decided she didn't trust me and thinks I have too many bad qualities for her to handle... yep, pretty much made my day, hearing that I was lying and not knowing what I was lying about.. among other things.
If you figure out how to get over the heartbreak of that situation, please let me know! Good luck.
At March 26, 2008 at 8:23 AM ,
Lpeg said...
That's really shitty. I don't need to tell you not to make the same mistake I did. And I'm worried about assimus. You only have two months of school left - and from where I stand, I wouldn't let that wall down. I know it's hard, and it's really sad, considering the friend you've been to her over the past couple of years. You've got Em as a great friend, and you've got me, and Alicia - you don't need someone to make you feel like you're on a yo-yo constantly. That's what dating's for :)
And I don't mind if you come back here... I'd get to see you more!
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