time for me

life isnt then.
life isnt when.
life is this.
here.
now.
[october road]

as i was watching this weeks episode on tivo, i kept rewinding this scene. it seemed to hit home for me. life isnt about wishing you could change what has happened, or waiting for something better to come along. its about enjoying the moments you have. right here and now. we have no control over the past or future, but we have a fraction of control over the present. what a wonderful gift it is when you really think about it.

i for one can say that i live in my past. i am constantly rehashing things that have already happened, or i live off of great memories i created with my best friends. i definitely cannot say that i live for the moment, and take every day for what its worth. im always waiting for something else. what exactly? at this point in my life i cant really say. what do i really want? its a question i barely ask myself mostly because im afraid of the answer. i like to think that im not a selfish person, and i am always putting others before myself. maybe ive just been using that as an excuse to not look too deeply into my own wants. if i actually knew what i wanted, that would mean i would have to act on those wants. and that scares me. ive always been able to follow along and do what those around me are doing. i never make decisions, even small easy ones because i dont want to deal with any possible negative consequences. and im getting to the point where i have to make decisions on my own. really look into what i want with my life. just me. for once i need to put myself first. so i can really start living life for the moment.