realizations

its been a rough week. or two. i thought everything was going smooth for awhile. i was even letting myself get excited about the prospect of a new boy to hang out with. and that? it ended up lasting until the next morning when i left his apartment. no i didnt sleep with him, but he has not gotten ahold of me since. i guess i was just something to keep him occupied for the weekend.

fast forward to two nights later. an old friend from freshman year (who, i will admit, i am foolishly attracted to) invites me over to hang out, because its just "been too long." an hour later, im sitting in his bedroom and we're catching up on the last few years of eachother's lives. we're mentioning how we regret not acting on our feelings earlier. how now he is happy to have split from his gf of 5 years and be able to act on whats been between us for so long. with a promise to get in touch that coming weekend, i leave the next morning. and i bet you can all guess where this is going? ding ding. you're right. havent heard from him since. and yes ive tried getting in contact with him. nothing.

i find myself time and time again getting my hopes up, and prematurely. and my self-esteem? it continually lowers each and every time im brushed off like that. im good to hang out with for a night or maybe two, but no more than that. i know some will read this and think, whats the big deal? you hung out with them for a night. get over it. the thing is? i allow myself to fall. from day 1. if i feel it, i go with it. i get excited. hopeful. and with every let down, my wall gets higher. my guard goes up even more.

on top of this, i have not spoken to assimus for a week and a half. 9 days. and i miss her. there is way more to our friendship than i could ever get into. but the short of it? she thinks its healthier for us to "take a break." i know it sounds corny, but typically i see or talk to her at least every day. as much as it hurts to admit it, deep down i know shes right. she needs to be on her own for a little bit, and she thinks by distancing ourselves that i will be able to become more independent. do what i want without always worrying about her. her and her bf just broke up. of course im worried about her. but ive been trying to do what she wants, so i havent been hovering. ive backed away. i find myself angry with her for doing it. i could use one of my best friends back. i keep telling myself that shes not doing this selfishly. that shes thinking its best for me too. so am i really angry? no i dont think so. but its a lot easier to be angry than hurt. if im angry i dont pay attention to the fact that im losing one of my closest friends. that this is probably it for us. for the past week and a half, ive tried to keep busy, talk to other people, go out with other friends. but its hard. things just arent the same. and im sad to think that it wont ever be the same.

so for now ive focused my energy on my plans for after graduation. ive been applying for jobs, looking at apartments. dreaming about ones that i could never afford. im finally getting excited, but that doesnt override my overwhelming sense of fear. im working on making myself happy. just me. im not counting on others to help me be happy anymore. and know what ive realized? its a hard job to do on your own. but maybe one day, slowly, i'll get there.