brrr...

so im bad at keeping up with this whole blogging thing, or knowing what to say exactly. so on this cold saturday evening, when i have nothing better to do, here is my attempt at starting again.

so today i had nothing to do and spent the entire day catching up on episodes of october road with two walks with my friends dog thrown in. hes gone for the weekend and asked me to watch his adorable golden retriever. and with me having no life, said sure, why not. nothing better to do. being alone all day however definitely makes time for some wanted/unwanted self-reflection. with assimus and her bf both getting new jobs, they will now be occupied both days every weekend from 8-5ish, and with early mornings making for early nights, my social life has severely taken a cut, because they are pretty much the only two friends i really hang out with on a consistant basis. i guess me relying soley on them for my social life wasnt too smart. its also hard sometimes. when your two closest friends are a twosome, it makes the idea of being a constant third wheel something less than desired. i love them to death, dont get me wrong, but it would be nice to be a foursome sometimes. also, spending an entire day watching a romantic comedy series will have you wishing for that which you lack. makes you wonder why things cant happen like they do on movies/TV. it all looks so romantic with the grandiose displays of affection and things working out just right. and we all love it-even though we may not always admit it. told you-too much time spent alone thinking today.

which brings me back to the dog owner. hes a good friend of mine and ive known him for a few years. but lately ive been looking at him as more than just a friend. he used to be interested in me awhile back, and we've kissed once, but nothing has come of it. im not exactly sure why? when i knew that he was interested, i stayed away and avoided him. when i thought he was over it, i began to talk to him, hang out and flirt again. explanation? no.idea. my easy-get out of explaining maintaining my single status when someone has shown interest, answer is-im afraid of commitment. or the idea of completely opening up to someone enough to be hurt keeps me from getting involved. and the very few times that i have, ive gotten burned. nothing worth writing about, but enough to make me cautious. adding to my problems, im the queen of avoidance. give me any awkward, unwanted situation and i can probably offer a suggestion on how to avoid it. anytime i feel uncomfortable-which is often-i manage to escape and avoid the situation from then on out. courage? guts? balls? i have none. my fear keeps me from doing many things. my fear of intimacy has also kept me from maintaining any physical contact with the opposite sex past the first encounter-and from entering any relationship. why you ask? again. no clue. there are so many unanswered questions about myself that i have yet to find the solution to that makes me wonder if that is the real reason i have always been and still remain single. i need to find myself before anyone else does it first.

like i said.too much alone time today.dont judge.