what if
ever notice how easy it is to cry in the shower? the tears streaming down your face mingle with the water so freely you wouldnt even know you were crying had the salt not stung your lips.
i had a mini melt-down this morning. i sit for my boards in two days! scratch that. not even-tuesday morning at 8am. and the stark reality of it all hit way too hard while getting ready for work. for a job that has nothing to do with my selected major in college. a job just barely passing minimum wage that i hate. passing my boards is my get out of jail free card.
however, the possibility of failing is lingering like a dark cloud ready to burst open. and it became too much today. i've been trying to study. but that has not gone well at all. then whos fault will it be should i fail? mine of course. will i like to admit that? not at all.
my main fear? what happens if i fail? i lose the job offer i was given. my job search starts over from the beginning and it has not been an easy road. i have to wait 45 days before being able to test again. i stay at the job i hate for another few months. i become that girl who couldnt pass her exam to get a real job. and facebook? its an evil thing really. mini-feed loves rubbing it in my face when my classmates have passed their exams. what will mine say come thursday or friday morning? yay or nay? and i hardly think the idea of me failing the exam has entered my parents' minds. they are so positive about it all and have not mentioned the other possibility. i hate to think that i would be disappointing them.
the pressure is becoming all too real and the fact that i am taking the test in less than 48 hours has me reeling. they say to think positive. so im trying. but theres always that lurking question in the back of my mind.
what if? what if i fail? what then?
i had a mini melt-down this morning. i sit for my boards in two days! scratch that. not even-tuesday morning at 8am. and the stark reality of it all hit way too hard while getting ready for work. for a job that has nothing to do with my selected major in college. a job just barely passing minimum wage that i hate. passing my boards is my get out of jail free card.
however, the possibility of failing is lingering like a dark cloud ready to burst open. and it became too much today. i've been trying to study. but that has not gone well at all. then whos fault will it be should i fail? mine of course. will i like to admit that? not at all.
my main fear? what happens if i fail? i lose the job offer i was given. my job search starts over from the beginning and it has not been an easy road. i have to wait 45 days before being able to test again. i stay at the job i hate for another few months. i become that girl who couldnt pass her exam to get a real job. and facebook? its an evil thing really. mini-feed loves rubbing it in my face when my classmates have passed their exams. what will mine say come thursday or friday morning? yay or nay? and i hardly think the idea of me failing the exam has entered my parents' minds. they are so positive about it all and have not mentioned the other possibility. i hate to think that i would be disappointing them.
the pressure is becoming all too real and the fact that i am taking the test in less than 48 hours has me reeling. they say to think positive. so im trying. but theres always that lurking question in the back of my mind.
what if? what if i fail? what then?
posted by we're all a little weird @ 12:19 AM
1 Comments:
At July 7, 2008 at 2:52 PM ,
Lpeg said...
oh hunny, just trust yourself. we all know it's a possibility, but we are hoping for the best for you. we all fail sometimes, and if that happens, if it's just too hard, you'll get your chance again.
if it's meant to be the first time around, then you'll get it. if not, there's always a second chance :)
and you know we'll be behind you every step of the way. [and you could never truly 'fail' in our eyes, so don't worry so much about it!]
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