possibilities

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways,but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to .– Marilyn Ferguson

so ive been doing a lot more thinking about post-graduation/college plans. and it still scares me. and ive been reading one of the books big sis got me for christmas. and granted it makes some good points, but follow them and have everything work out perfect? um probably not. i have been trying to be realistic. i want to go look at the childrens hospital far away during spring break with my parents. but then i think-hello stupid! why would you do that? it would be a waste-because everyone who knows me would know that there is no way in hell i would pick up, leave everyone and everything i know and move 1500 miles away alone. hah right. get a clue. and when i said this to my parents, my dad was surprised and asked why we were going to go then. becauseeee i want to? there is still some part of me that thinks maybe..possibly...someday...i might get the courage to do it and when that day comes i would want to know what im headed for.

tonight after a very long hiatus from my very best dependee (not by choice-we are both very busy. ok just doing nothing at different times. we should get that on track.) we finally got a chance to catch up. and i filled her in on my semi-plan. she was excited from the get-go and asked if i needed a roomate. im thinking shes joking because it would be too good to be true. if i moved out there with one of my best friends-what was stopping me now? a familiar face and roomate. new town. great job (potentially). and my great idea now seemed possible perhaps.

and before my big sis jumps on this-because i know what shes thinking. she offered once to move there with me if thats what i wanted to do. god love her because i know she would do it in a heartbeat. shes the best sister in the world and would do anything for me. but shes had this goal to move to london while still young-hopefully within the next year. and if she moves with me, she doesnt go. and i want her to go soo bad. as much fun as it would be to experience it together, i want to her do this for herself. shes wanted it for so long and she deserves it. i think it would make her truly happy. (so big sis-this doesnt mean i wouldnt want to move and live with you, because i would, but i think you should try for that london dream of yours if you can...plus i can come visit! :) and im always grateful you jumped with the offer to move if i wanted! )

when the wheels started turning, i thought to myself...i could do it. maybe it is something i need. a fresh start, somewhere new. and its been a thought of mine to work at this certain hospital for awhile now. and there is nothing holding me back. and my fear of-what happens if i dont like it? like my dependee said...so you move back home and get a new job closer. its really that simple. and its not like i wouldnt be able to find a job back here if i needed to or wanted to come back home. the only thing i would miss would be my family. and my parents. A LOT. and it almost brought me to tears to think of moving that far away from them. but it would only be a plane ride away. right? its manageable. ive just never thought that i would move away from my parents-or ive always pictured myself much older and wiser when i did it. so this whole idea ive sort of been pushing down due to my own fear, is now resurfacing. and its looking a little brighter than it was before.