letting go

you're a lonely soul
cause you wont let go
of anything you hold
[one republic]

i think i hold grudges. ok no. i do hold grudges. and for no real reason that i can come up with. personal flaw? possibly. maybe because all of my close friends have either lied (hugely) to me or hurt me in someway at least once in our friendship. in those situations ive always tried to forgive them. i like to think that i have forgiven them. but i can never seem to forget. it will always come back up later as a joke, or in an argument in which i throw it back at them. i cant seem to let go of these situations. i dont know if im scared to lose these friendships so much that i will forgive anything? i love all of my friends to death, and i think they feel the same about me, so it makes it easy to forgive. but why so hard to forget? and i wonder if i subconsciously push them away in doing so. i dont have that many close friends, so the last thing i want to do is push them away. i dont want to carry around these grudges all the time. they can really weigh on a friendship. and im starting to feel it. but i need my friends. so this is me. trying to let go.

til' now i always got by on my own.
[celine dion]