time for me

life isnt then.
life isnt when.
life is this.
here.
now.
[october road]

as i was watching this weeks episode on tivo, i kept rewinding this scene. it seemed to hit home for me. life isnt about wishing you could change what has happened, or waiting for something better to come along. its about enjoying the moments you have. right here and now. we have no control over the past or future, but we have a fraction of control over the present. what a wonderful gift it is when you really think about it.

i for one can say that i live in my past. i am constantly rehashing things that have already happened, or i live off of great memories i created with my best friends. i definitely cannot say that i live for the moment, and take every day for what its worth. im always waiting for something else. what exactly? at this point in my life i cant really say. what do i really want? its a question i barely ask myself mostly because im afraid of the answer. i like to think that im not a selfish person, and i am always putting others before myself. maybe ive just been using that as an excuse to not look too deeply into my own wants. if i actually knew what i wanted, that would mean i would have to act on those wants. and that scares me. ive always been able to follow along and do what those around me are doing. i never make decisions, even small easy ones because i dont want to deal with any possible negative consequences. and im getting to the point where i have to make decisions on my own. really look into what i want with my life. just me. for once i need to put myself first. so i can really start living life for the moment.

change

i thought i needed a change. like the new design? thanks to my very cool big sis, i now have a design that fits my personality a little better:) shes the best.

letting go

you're a lonely soul
cause you wont let go
of anything you hold
[one republic]

i think i hold grudges. ok no. i do hold grudges. and for no real reason that i can come up with. personal flaw? possibly. maybe because all of my close friends have either lied (hugely) to me or hurt me in someway at least once in our friendship. in those situations ive always tried to forgive them. i like to think that i have forgiven them. but i can never seem to forget. it will always come back up later as a joke, or in an argument in which i throw it back at them. i cant seem to let go of these situations. i dont know if im scared to lose these friendships so much that i will forgive anything? i love all of my friends to death, and i think they feel the same about me, so it makes it easy to forgive. but why so hard to forget? and i wonder if i subconsciously push them away in doing so. i dont have that many close friends, so the last thing i want to do is push them away. i dont want to carry around these grudges all the time. they can really weigh on a friendship. and im starting to feel it. but i need my friends. so this is me. trying to let go.

til' now i always got by on my own.
[celine dion]

when you're gone

so i guess he gave me more than three strikes:) i checked my phone once again yesterday after work only to discover that the marine had tried calling me three times. it had been making me feel worse and worse every time i saw a new missed call from him. i couldnt imagine what he was thinking-probably that i was ignoring him. an automated response that i got this morning from an email i sent to him last night was that he was not going to be using that address for the next 6 weeks. my heart sank. maybe he was trying to call so much because he wouldnt be able to get in touch with me soon.

while wallowing in my despair this afternoon however, my phone magically rang. it was HIM! i couldnt have been more excited. my hello was greeted with a husky, "well you're a very hard person to get a hold of." you have no idea how great it was to hear his voice. and i know its corny, but it brought tears to my eyes to be able to talk to him. i didnt realize how much i miss him until now. yes ive been thinking about him a lot, but this was different. i was also extremely relieved that he kept trying to call and i was finally available when he called. we talked for about 20 minutes before his calling card died, but with a promise that he would call again soon. he just has this way of making me feel special every time i talk to him. that although im sure he keeps in touch with a multitude of people, i always feel that im important to him. hes away fighting a war yet he thinks of asking how i'm doing and cares about the answer. and im sure you're all asking why im just realizing this now? im asking myself the same question.

as much as i keep telling myself not to, i feel myself getting my hopes up. why? not so sure. yes im extremely happy, excited, touched-all of the above-that he has continued to keep in touch and think of me while hes away. but the other part of me realizes that hes out of the country until may. and with much disappointment i learned today that he might have to go back later this year for a second deployment. even my parents are excited over the news that i got to talk to him, but i found myself arguing with my mom tonight about how i cant get too excited now, or keep my hopes up for something that may never happen, or if so, not for a few years. and whos to say when i get to see him next and perhaps he feels the same that i dont go running in the opposite direction like i always have? i dont know. or it could just be thats hes a constant in my life at the moment when everything else seems to be up in the air.

so far away from where you are
these miles have torn us worlds apart
and i miss you
yeah i miss you.
[Lifehouse]

three strikes?

so i know i told the marine not to use his money to call me because its so expensive, and since we had each other's emails it would be easier for him to contact me that way. but what i was really thinking was...please call me anytime you want to! ive gotten a few emails from him, which is so great, its always a pleasant surprise-but i miss the phone calls. but i cant be bummed because i told him not to call. however...

the other night i was laying in bed and heard my phone ringing in the other room. it was like slow motion. i got to my phone, saw that it was him and as im opening it to answer, the screen blares: call ended. DAMMIT! i was so excited then so disappointed that i missed it. so then i thought-i'll just always carry my phone with me. wrong. work rules: no cell phone while punched it. and guess what? he called TWICE while i was at work the other day. i sent him an apologetic email after the first call asking him to call again because i was really looking forward to hearing from him. well after calling back twice and me not answering, what is he going to think? three strikes im out and hes not trying back again? cause i would love to hear his voice again. all i can say is my phone has become a permanent appendage to my body within the last few days.

possibilities

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways,but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to .– Marilyn Ferguson

so ive been doing a lot more thinking about post-graduation/college plans. and it still scares me. and ive been reading one of the books big sis got me for christmas. and granted it makes some good points, but follow them and have everything work out perfect? um probably not. i have been trying to be realistic. i want to go look at the childrens hospital far away during spring break with my parents. but then i think-hello stupid! why would you do that? it would be a waste-because everyone who knows me would know that there is no way in hell i would pick up, leave everyone and everything i know and move 1500 miles away alone. hah right. get a clue. and when i said this to my parents, my dad was surprised and asked why we were going to go then. becauseeee i want to? there is still some part of me that thinks maybe..possibly...someday...i might get the courage to do it and when that day comes i would want to know what im headed for.

tonight after a very long hiatus from my very best dependee (not by choice-we are both very busy. ok just doing nothing at different times. we should get that on track.) we finally got a chance to catch up. and i filled her in on my semi-plan. she was excited from the get-go and asked if i needed a roomate. im thinking shes joking because it would be too good to be true. if i moved out there with one of my best friends-what was stopping me now? a familiar face and roomate. new town. great job (potentially). and my great idea now seemed possible perhaps.

and before my big sis jumps on this-because i know what shes thinking. she offered once to move there with me if thats what i wanted to do. god love her because i know she would do it in a heartbeat. shes the best sister in the world and would do anything for me. but shes had this goal to move to london while still young-hopefully within the next year. and if she moves with me, she doesnt go. and i want her to go soo bad. as much fun as it would be to experience it together, i want to her do this for herself. shes wanted it for so long and she deserves it. i think it would make her truly happy. (so big sis-this doesnt mean i wouldnt want to move and live with you, because i would, but i think you should try for that london dream of yours if you can...plus i can come visit! :) and im always grateful you jumped with the offer to move if i wanted! )

when the wheels started turning, i thought to myself...i could do it. maybe it is something i need. a fresh start, somewhere new. and its been a thought of mine to work at this certain hospital for awhile now. and there is nothing holding me back. and my fear of-what happens if i dont like it? like my dependee said...so you move back home and get a new job closer. its really that simple. and its not like i wouldnt be able to find a job back here if i needed to or wanted to come back home. the only thing i would miss would be my family. and my parents. A LOT. and it almost brought me to tears to think of moving that far away from them. but it would only be a plane ride away. right? its manageable. ive just never thought that i would move away from my parents-or ive always pictured myself much older and wiser when i did it. so this whole idea ive sort of been pushing down due to my own fear, is now resurfacing. and its looking a little brighter than it was before.