worrisome heart

my heart hurts.

this past weekend was amazing. full of fun, friends, and what would a weekend of partying be without the drama? since i go to a military school, there was a ball this weekend. the one i planned on going to with assimus's bf. the reason her and i didnt talk for awhile.

and her and i? we're slowly working on things. trying to get back to a somewhat normal friendship. trying to repair old wounds that continue to be ripped open. we're trying to be there for each other. she's going through a hard time, but she's also there for me. its a nice change. i can honestly say that she cares, and its been awhile since ive had confidence in that statement.

on thursday night to celebrate my last day of clinical ever! i went to the married guy and dog owner's house for a few drinks. i ended up drinking a little too much and spent the night in dog owner's bed.

then on friday night i was supposed to go to a concert with assimus and the boy, although they changed their minds, so i was left stranded and with no other plans, i headed over to the married guy and dog owner's house yet again. trying to forget my problems and have a good time, i had a few drinks. ok-maybe a few too many and i was introduced to their friends who were visiting for the ball. we all had an amazing time, but i unfortunately passed out extremely early-in married guy's bed, not realizing where i was until i rolled over to his face the next morning. but dont read into this. nothing happened. he was a great friend who took care of me and watched out for me when i couldnt take care of myself.

so i am now nicknamed a "cuddle slut" for sleeping over in different beds two nights in a row. but what can i say? they are 2 of my best guy friends. i am completely comfortable with them. and i feel safe there.

saturday i went home in just enough time to shower and meet my wonderful dependee who came up for the ball and headed right back over to the boys' house for pre-ball festivities where i proceeded to flirt with their friend who was visiting for the weekend. very cute i might add. we returned here to get all dolled up and had an amazing time at the ball..which i have the blisters on my feet to prove it. and where did we end up after the ball? thats right. back to the boys' house-where i fiercely continued my flirting and hooked up with the hot friend.

well. where was the drama? while we were at the ball, married guy had a meltdown talking to assimus. drunkenly blurting out his love for me. yes ME. she passed this information on to me who was also drunk and when i went to talk to him, the topic was ignored and we had a good time for the rest of the night. no awkwardness. the next morning was a different story. i spent a good part of sunday at their house again, even went shooting with them. (yes i shot my first gun! very scary, but kind of cool). all day he appeared as though he was ignoring me, or choosing to be distant. i could just tell something was wrong. and normally? we would have talked about it, but when i asked him what was wrong, it was the same one word answer of 'nothing' every time. maybe he was mad i hooked up with a friend of his? maybe he was embarrassed of knowing what he said the night before? who knows. i just tried to give him space since it was what he apparently needed.

so we had a conversation the other night trying to clear the air. but neither of us dares to bring up the obvious elephant in the room each time we see each other now. and things just aren't the same. and me? well i'm just flat out confused. my feelings for him did not go away while he was gone. if anything they've blossomed into more after spending a solid 4 days at his house. and school is over in less than 3 weeks. and things are weird. im scared. i dont want to leave yet. i dont want things to be different the last few days we can hang out. its as though hearing his admission has all of a sudden freed a multitude of emotions i wasnt letting myself feel. and now i cant put them back. trust me, ive tried. these past few days have been horrible, constantly wondering how things will turn out. can what he said be ignored? should it?

and after having an amazing weekend with some great friends, i am now dragging my feet for graduation even more. i dont want to say goodbye. sitting at home at night alone and not spending time with friends has opened up the floodgates more than once. and i dont know how to fix it. how can things go back to the way they were? is that even possible? because i dont know if i can handle it all ending like this.

because my heart? its hurting.