seven days of lonely

so i know what you're probably thinking. what am i getting myself into? trust me. i know. stupid to let myself fall for him. i've witnessed more than one example of how that situation could go horribly wrong. half of me is thinking i'm only feeling this way because he has been such an amazing friend lately. and its been nice to have someone there for me. so maybe these feelings are just overwhelming gratitude for how great he has been. and maybe for him its nice to have someone he can talk to as well. with his wife in iraq hes not having the easiest of times. maybe we're just two lonely people who enjoy having a shoulder to lean on. maybe. lets hope.

i guess i have a few weeks to figure it out anyways. hes gone for the next three weeks on a school trip. and i probably wont get to talk to him the whole time. which, i have to admit, only being day 1, i think quite frankly it is going to suck. ive gotten used to having someone to hang out with and talk to. someone who asks how i am doing and really cares about the answer. someone who can take a look at me and know when im not ok. and with things still up in the air with assimus, the next few weeks are looking pretty bleak. and im not good with being alone.

i get lonely very quickly. too quickly. and when it hits its like running headfirst into a brick wall. i cannot ignore it. i hate wanting someone. i hate that i cannot be content on my own. sometimes i think im ok. i can handle it. other times it becomes blatantly obvious that i am alone. like today for instance. i had to do errands. alone. grocery shopping and picking out a birthday gift for one of my friends by myself is not exactly thrilling. it takes effort just to walk around the grocery store with your head held high, trying to prove to everyone else that the reason you are alone is because you're independent. when all i really wanted the entire time was someone to walk next to. someone who wouldnt mind running mindless errands with me. someone to talk to. is that a lot to ask? maybe i need to be comfortable on my own before life throws in a sidekick. but until then? i guess i'll just chalk it up to more practice on increasing my independence. but it sure is lonesome.