seven days of lonely

so i know what you're probably thinking. what am i getting myself into? trust me. i know. stupid to let myself fall for him. i've witnessed more than one example of how that situation could go horribly wrong. half of me is thinking i'm only feeling this way because he has been such an amazing friend lately. and its been nice to have someone there for me. so maybe these feelings are just overwhelming gratitude for how great he has been. and maybe for him its nice to have someone he can talk to as well. with his wife in iraq hes not having the easiest of times. maybe we're just two lonely people who enjoy having a shoulder to lean on. maybe. lets hope.

i guess i have a few weeks to figure it out anyways. hes gone for the next three weeks on a school trip. and i probably wont get to talk to him the whole time. which, i have to admit, only being day 1, i think quite frankly it is going to suck. ive gotten used to having someone to hang out with and talk to. someone who asks how i am doing and really cares about the answer. someone who can take a look at me and know when im not ok. and with things still up in the air with assimus, the next few weeks are looking pretty bleak. and im not good with being alone.

i get lonely very quickly. too quickly. and when it hits its like running headfirst into a brick wall. i cannot ignore it. i hate wanting someone. i hate that i cannot be content on my own. sometimes i think im ok. i can handle it. other times it becomes blatantly obvious that i am alone. like today for instance. i had to do errands. alone. grocery shopping and picking out a birthday gift for one of my friends by myself is not exactly thrilling. it takes effort just to walk around the grocery store with your head held high, trying to prove to everyone else that the reason you are alone is because you're independent. when all i really wanted the entire time was someone to walk next to. someone who wouldnt mind running mindless errands with me. someone to talk to. is that a lot to ask? maybe i need to be comfortable on my own before life throws in a sidekick. but until then? i guess i'll just chalk it up to more practice on increasing my independence. but it sure is lonesome.

too much to handle

one word to describe these past few weeks? stressful. i have so many things to do, not only for school but also to make some sort of plans for after graduation. all of the semi-plans i thought would be so easily carried out have somehow fallen by the wayside. but oh well [i hope]. ive forced myself to accept that what i wanted, or thought i wanted might not happen right away. so what if i have to move home for a few months to figure out my next step. right? right...

ive been overwhelmed with the amount of work that i have to do in the next two months. add that to 18 hours of clinical time each week with a preceptor who is the closest definition to a flake as i have seen. im exhausted.

not only is school stressful, but my relationships with the people around me are becoming more complex by the day. after an entire month of not speaking, assimus and i think we might have worked things out. but me? im still reeling from the fact that my so-called best friend ditched me for her own personal reasons for 4 straight weeks. and i cant seem to get myself over the fact that im hurt. we have hung out only once since things were quote unquote smoothed over. and that one time? awkward. i cant seem to lower the wall i had worked so hard to build up this past month. i had tried to get to the point where i was ok with things. if she wanted to talk, so be it. if not, then i would find some way to get over it. now that my guard is up, im having a hard time letting her back in. i dont want to get hurt again. i definitely dont deserve it for the friend i have been to her over the past year. and i dont know how to get back to the way things were.

due to the absence of assimus recently, ive forced myself to become more independent. and by more? i mean hanging out with a few other friends alone when previously i would have been with her. one friend in particular is j. he goes to school with me and throughout this whole month has become one of the best guy friends i could ask for. hes let me vent and helped me keep my cool when things have been rough. we have formed a habit of talking at least every day, if not through im, then phone calls and texts. there is an ease to our friendship that is refreshing. when we first started talking there was no expectation of anything more. we were friends. lately ive been hanging out with him more and more. we go out on weekends. i hang out at his house during the week. my so-called "friend" feelings are slowly becoming something more. i find myself becoming anxious to talk to him each day. whats wrong with this picture you're thinking?


well...he just happens to be married.

realizations

its been a rough week. or two. i thought everything was going smooth for awhile. i was even letting myself get excited about the prospect of a new boy to hang out with. and that? it ended up lasting until the next morning when i left his apartment. no i didnt sleep with him, but he has not gotten ahold of me since. i guess i was just something to keep him occupied for the weekend.

fast forward to two nights later. an old friend from freshman year (who, i will admit, i am foolishly attracted to) invites me over to hang out, because its just "been too long." an hour later, im sitting in his bedroom and we're catching up on the last few years of eachother's lives. we're mentioning how we regret not acting on our feelings earlier. how now he is happy to have split from his gf of 5 years and be able to act on whats been between us for so long. with a promise to get in touch that coming weekend, i leave the next morning. and i bet you can all guess where this is going? ding ding. you're right. havent heard from him since. and yes ive tried getting in contact with him. nothing.

i find myself time and time again getting my hopes up, and prematurely. and my self-esteem? it continually lowers each and every time im brushed off like that. im good to hang out with for a night or maybe two, but no more than that. i know some will read this and think, whats the big deal? you hung out with them for a night. get over it. the thing is? i allow myself to fall. from day 1. if i feel it, i go with it. i get excited. hopeful. and with every let down, my wall gets higher. my guard goes up even more.

on top of this, i have not spoken to assimus for a week and a half. 9 days. and i miss her. there is way more to our friendship than i could ever get into. but the short of it? she thinks its healthier for us to "take a break." i know it sounds corny, but typically i see or talk to her at least every day. as much as it hurts to admit it, deep down i know shes right. she needs to be on her own for a little bit, and she thinks by distancing ourselves that i will be able to become more independent. do what i want without always worrying about her. her and her bf just broke up. of course im worried about her. but ive been trying to do what she wants, so i havent been hovering. ive backed away. i find myself angry with her for doing it. i could use one of my best friends back. i keep telling myself that shes not doing this selfishly. that shes thinking its best for me too. so am i really angry? no i dont think so. but its a lot easier to be angry than hurt. if im angry i dont pay attention to the fact that im losing one of my closest friends. that this is probably it for us. for the past week and a half, ive tried to keep busy, talk to other people, go out with other friends. but its hard. things just arent the same. and im sad to think that it wont ever be the same.

so for now ive focused my energy on my plans for after graduation. ive been applying for jobs, looking at apartments. dreaming about ones that i could never afford. im finally getting excited, but that doesnt override my overwhelming sense of fear. im working on making myself happy. just me. im not counting on others to help me be happy anymore. and know what ive realized? its a hard job to do on your own. but maybe one day, slowly, i'll get there.