thank you rory

"everything's just ending. i just feel like everything is gonna be over. it's just like im standing on this cliff and looking out into this huge foggy abyss.and in my whole life there has never been an abyss. its been abyssless. ive always known exactly what is in front of me. and ive always known exactly where im going. and now i dont know whats out there. besides fog. a ton of fog. and i hate not knowing what is out there."
[Gilmore Girls]



who knew a simple tv show could explain exactly how you feel at one moment?

where do i stand

so this past weekend was interesting to say the least. sorry its been awhile since my last post, but i dont think anyone missed me too much.

i had clinical all day on saturday which went by fairly fast, and once i got back my dependee came to visit! it is always a fabulous time when we get together. we can find fun in the most boring of situations. the night started off pretty grim, with no one interesting or fun at the local bar that we have always loved. so when one of her friends invited us to a bar in the next town, we jumped at the chance for the change of scenery.

when we got to the bar we ran into an old friend who we hadnt seen in such a long time, so we sat and caught up for awhile. meanwhile, one of the bartenders who carded us when we walked in was noticeably attractive. to me anyways. he got us our drinks, but other than that didnt speak to us all night. when it came time to close my tab, he had significantly cut the cost of our drinks. he came back to pick up the credit slip and moments later walked by our table and said, "what? no number on the back of the slip? i thought that's how these things usually work!" thinking fast, my friend whips out her phone and gives him my number which he proceeds to put in his phone, with a promise to call.

because we were hanging out with a few people who work at the bar, we were able to hang out past closing, just talking and drinking. when it was time to go, my dependee and i invited the cute bartender and his friend back to my apartment for more drinks. after stopping at the creepy neighborhood cumbys at 2am for some mixers, they followed us back to my place. we had a fun night of kings and asshole then watched a movie.

now this entire time we are hanging out, im a nervous wreck. this never happens to me. random cute guy asking for my number and hanging out? i have no idea what to do, how to act, what to say. and yes i should probably just get over it, but hey. im still learning. we proceed to stay up until 6am, talking and kissing intermittently. trying to get to know each other but also not ignoring the sexual tension that has built. and this entire time, he seems like an amazing guy. sweet, caring, gentleman, good listener, and didnt pressure me into anything. totally different experience than ive had before. im so used to the asshole types who only care about one thing. and me? i wouldnt label myself as a prude, but im also not willing to give it up at the drop of a hat.

the next morning we all go out for breakfast then go our separate ways, with him promising to call because he would like to hang out again. as would i obviously. im not even back home yet and i get a text from him asking when we are hanging out again. exciting? i thought so. someone was finally paying attention to me, and actually wanted to hang out again. it was great. and after a discussion with my dependee about butterflies? (as 5th grade and corny as that sounds) i can honestly say i get them everytime my phone rings and its him.

yesterday i spent a majority of the day in deep conversation with assimus about our friendship. im not going to go into details about it, but its been a little rough lately and we were able to talk about everything, open and honestly and i think it will definitely help things, and make our friendship stronger. im not one for honest, open communication face to face, and ive always shyed away from it with her, and yesterday, on the phone at least, i was finally able to talk about things that ive been thinking about and keeping in. maybe from now on we can get into the habit of always doing that. basically, it was a really good conversation and i felt much better after we talked.

so last night the boy texts me and askes me if i would like to meet him at the same bar we met at because hes hanging out with a few friends, and i knew a few of them, so it could be a relaxed atmosphere to get to know each other a little better. seeing as i had class this morning at 9am, i had definitely not planned on drinking much if at all, also because i had to drive 20 minutes back home afterwards. well-that plan was quickly thrown out the window. after one drink, i figured two would be ok. and the boy offered to buy me a third. then my friend bought a round of jaegar bombs-which i do not do shots. but with peer pressure and a promise that it really wouldnt be that bad, down it went. and now im a fan of jaeger bombs. but now, 3 drinks and a shot later, i am in no shape to drive home. so the boy offers to let me crash at his place down the street. and being a little more outgoing and daring at this point in the evening, i agree. so we leave, hand in hand back to his apartment.

enough snow alreadyyy

i think we've officially gotten enough snow. every morning this week i have woken up to inches upon inches of snow outside. and to top it off, this morning after getting up at 430 to head to clinical, i couldnt even get out of my own driveway! good news, i got to go back to bed. bad news, i now have to find time to make it up. fabulous. and its still snowing. im going to attempt to make the hour drive tonight for tomorrow morning's clinical, but we'll see how that goes. if nothing else, it'll be a fun night catching up with an old friend :)

dream big

dream big.

two simple words that might not seem like much, but they are spoken to me by a friend almost every night before i go to bed. one night when i was feeling down, she said these two words and they made a huge difference. if only those two words could retrieve as much meaning as they did then.

i know ive exhausted the-im graduating soon and scared to death-topic. but hey. whats one more entry right? today during my first class we had a discussion, and i, being shy, never say peep during class unless asked. ok, pretty much forced. but today? i couldnt even think of anything legitimate to add to the conversation. i felt---inadequate. i couldnt even come up with simple nursing answers? how am i ever going to be a nurse? and a good one at that. then later as im working on practice NCLEX questions in the library, the inadequacies continued to flaunt themselves and mock me. i could feel my stress level increasing by each.word.in.every.question.

im going to FAIL. of course that is my immediate, and yes i admit, irrational thought. failing is a possibility, but i cant start thinking that now! i rushed home and made a to-do list of all the work i need to get started on. anddd it didnt help. it possibly increased my stress level.

and to top it all off? graduation is less than a mere 100 days from now. of course it sounds like a lot to those who have no deadline steadily approaching. i havent applied for a job yet. i havent decided where i want to move. that decision is slowing making progress but emphasis on the slowly. i feel like im swimming and constantly trying to keep my head above water, but its getting harder to see the other side and im getting tired. im tired of not knowing what i want to do. im tired of being scared of making an actual decision that-oh my-might change my life for the better. im tired of spending a majority of my last semester in college alone in my apartment. im just tired. and in need of change. oh but drumroll...im terrified of change remember? its a vicious cycle that is on constant repeat.

but for now? im dreaming. BIG.