just about sums it up

"I'm probably best at going where I've already been, she said, but I get bored with it pretty quickly"
[storypeople.com]

what if

ever notice how easy it is to cry in the shower? the tears streaming down your face mingle with the water so freely you wouldnt even know you were crying had the salt not stung your lips.

i had a mini melt-down this morning. i sit for my boards in two days! scratch that. not even-tuesday morning at 8am. and the stark reality of it all hit way too hard while getting ready for work. for a job that has nothing to do with my selected major in college. a job just barely passing minimum wage that i hate. passing my boards is my get out of jail free card.

however, the possibility of failing is lingering like a dark cloud ready to burst open. and it became too much today. i've been trying to study. but that has not gone well at all. then whos fault will it be should i fail? mine of course. will i like to admit that? not at all.

my main fear? what happens if i fail? i lose the job offer i was given. my job search starts over from the beginning and it has not been an easy road. i have to wait 45 days before being able to test again. i stay at the job i hate for another few months. i become that girl who couldnt pass her exam to get a real job. and facebook? its an evil thing really. mini-feed loves rubbing it in my face when my classmates have passed their exams. what will mine say come thursday or friday morning? yay or nay? and i hardly think the idea of me failing the exam has entered my parents' minds. they are so positive about it all and have not mentioned the other possibility. i hate to think that i would be disappointing them.

the pressure is becoming all too real and the fact that i am taking the test in less than 48 hours has me reeling. they say to think positive. so im trying. but theres always that lurking question in the back of my mind.

what if? what if i fail? what then?

unanswered questions

do you ever wonder what it is that causes us to spend so much time in that never-ending search for mr. right? that one person that just makes everything so much better [or so you think at the time]?

why, i ask, do we spend a majority of our waking hours pondering who it might be? if that stranger you just brushed past in the grocery store may in fact be him? if the coffee guy who waits on you every morning and knows your order secretly wants to date you? with so many other things going on in our day to day lives, why do we linger on the fact that we are alone?

perhaps things seem like they are better when there is someone to share them with. a bad day at work doesn't seem so bad when you have someone to come home to. a torn friendship is easier to handle when someone is holding your hand through it all. we have all been there..[ok maybe not me exactly], but when the prospect of someone new emerges, things become just a little better. you catch yourself grinning ear to ear for no apparent reason. those butterflies you giggled about with your friends in grade school have suddenly returned. you think you've just entered your own version of a classic romantic movie that's been on repeat for the past year in your mind. of course it's only natural to want to feel this way about someone and have them return those same feelings.

but why, when we can't find this, do we spend all of our waking moments wishing for it? why can't we just be happy with what we have in the here and now. i've continually attempted to live the, "when you stop searching, it will come" mantra, but let's face it, im getting impatient.

i just wish i could spend more time focused on the me. here and now. and be happy with that; rather than spend my days wishing for something more.

in my head

"hope for the best but prepare for the worst," she said to me as we ended our conversation. she knows me too well. of course my hopes are up although i've only been talking to him for 2 weeks. and they continued to rise throughout the night and next morning as we spent time together.

"just please don't run away from this one this time," my mom said to me before i left to go out that night. it was as though she was pleading with me to stay fixed in my current thought process, knowing all too well that at any given moment i would dart in the opposite direction-with no warning.

later that night it was an internal struggle as i watched him and began to nit-pick his habits that i may find annoying in the future. could i really be with someone who does that? and wow that is completely nerdy, why am i even interested? of course im interested! i couldnt stop the incesant smiling and butterflies the previous week. why am i second guessing my feelings now? it was like an arguement between good and evil going on in my head. stop it. stop over-analyzing your emotions...but perhaps hes not who i was hoping he would be.no hes not... JUSTSTOPIT!

"you've caused yourself to remain single all this time, i hope you realize," my friend blatantly stated as i described what had gone on that night. shes right. of course i have. constantly backing myself out of possible relationships because of; what? fear? who the hell knows. i think its a step in the right direction that ive finally acknowledged it and attempted to put an end to it. but where does this leave me now? waiting for that phone call that might/might not come? rather than feel rejected, perhaps i flee before i allow myself to truely fall. because if i do? i could be left standing alone to pick up the pieces.

worrisome heart

my heart hurts.

this past weekend was amazing. full of fun, friends, and what would a weekend of partying be without the drama? since i go to a military school, there was a ball this weekend. the one i planned on going to with assimus's bf. the reason her and i didnt talk for awhile.

and her and i? we're slowly working on things. trying to get back to a somewhat normal friendship. trying to repair old wounds that continue to be ripped open. we're trying to be there for each other. she's going through a hard time, but she's also there for me. its a nice change. i can honestly say that she cares, and its been awhile since ive had confidence in that statement.

on thursday night to celebrate my last day of clinical ever! i went to the married guy and dog owner's house for a few drinks. i ended up drinking a little too much and spent the night in dog owner's bed.

then on friday night i was supposed to go to a concert with assimus and the boy, although they changed their minds, so i was left stranded and with no other plans, i headed over to the married guy and dog owner's house yet again. trying to forget my problems and have a good time, i had a few drinks. ok-maybe a few too many and i was introduced to their friends who were visiting for the ball. we all had an amazing time, but i unfortunately passed out extremely early-in married guy's bed, not realizing where i was until i rolled over to his face the next morning. but dont read into this. nothing happened. he was a great friend who took care of me and watched out for me when i couldnt take care of myself.

so i am now nicknamed a "cuddle slut" for sleeping over in different beds two nights in a row. but what can i say? they are 2 of my best guy friends. i am completely comfortable with them. and i feel safe there.

saturday i went home in just enough time to shower and meet my wonderful dependee who came up for the ball and headed right back over to the boys' house for pre-ball festivities where i proceeded to flirt with their friend who was visiting for the weekend. very cute i might add. we returned here to get all dolled up and had an amazing time at the ball..which i have the blisters on my feet to prove it. and where did we end up after the ball? thats right. back to the boys' house-where i fiercely continued my flirting and hooked up with the hot friend.

well. where was the drama? while we were at the ball, married guy had a meltdown talking to assimus. drunkenly blurting out his love for me. yes ME. she passed this information on to me who was also drunk and when i went to talk to him, the topic was ignored and we had a good time for the rest of the night. no awkwardness. the next morning was a different story. i spent a good part of sunday at their house again, even went shooting with them. (yes i shot my first gun! very scary, but kind of cool). all day he appeared as though he was ignoring me, or choosing to be distant. i could just tell something was wrong. and normally? we would have talked about it, but when i asked him what was wrong, it was the same one word answer of 'nothing' every time. maybe he was mad i hooked up with a friend of his? maybe he was embarrassed of knowing what he said the night before? who knows. i just tried to give him space since it was what he apparently needed.

so we had a conversation the other night trying to clear the air. but neither of us dares to bring up the obvious elephant in the room each time we see each other now. and things just aren't the same. and me? well i'm just flat out confused. my feelings for him did not go away while he was gone. if anything they've blossomed into more after spending a solid 4 days at his house. and school is over in less than 3 weeks. and things are weird. im scared. i dont want to leave yet. i dont want things to be different the last few days we can hang out. its as though hearing his admission has all of a sudden freed a multitude of emotions i wasnt letting myself feel. and now i cant put them back. trust me, ive tried. these past few days have been horrible, constantly wondering how things will turn out. can what he said be ignored? should it?

and after having an amazing weekend with some great friends, i am now dragging my feet for graduation even more. i dont want to say goodbye. sitting at home at night alone and not spending time with friends has opened up the floodgates more than once. and i dont know how to fix it. how can things go back to the way they were? is that even possible? because i dont know if i can handle it all ending like this.

because my heart? its hurting.

seven days of lonely

so i know what you're probably thinking. what am i getting myself into? trust me. i know. stupid to let myself fall for him. i've witnessed more than one example of how that situation could go horribly wrong. half of me is thinking i'm only feeling this way because he has been such an amazing friend lately. and its been nice to have someone there for me. so maybe these feelings are just overwhelming gratitude for how great he has been. and maybe for him its nice to have someone he can talk to as well. with his wife in iraq hes not having the easiest of times. maybe we're just two lonely people who enjoy having a shoulder to lean on. maybe. lets hope.

i guess i have a few weeks to figure it out anyways. hes gone for the next three weeks on a school trip. and i probably wont get to talk to him the whole time. which, i have to admit, only being day 1, i think quite frankly it is going to suck. ive gotten used to having someone to hang out with and talk to. someone who asks how i am doing and really cares about the answer. someone who can take a look at me and know when im not ok. and with things still up in the air with assimus, the next few weeks are looking pretty bleak. and im not good with being alone.

i get lonely very quickly. too quickly. and when it hits its like running headfirst into a brick wall. i cannot ignore it. i hate wanting someone. i hate that i cannot be content on my own. sometimes i think im ok. i can handle it. other times it becomes blatantly obvious that i am alone. like today for instance. i had to do errands. alone. grocery shopping and picking out a birthday gift for one of my friends by myself is not exactly thrilling. it takes effort just to walk around the grocery store with your head held high, trying to prove to everyone else that the reason you are alone is because you're independent. when all i really wanted the entire time was someone to walk next to. someone who wouldnt mind running mindless errands with me. someone to talk to. is that a lot to ask? maybe i need to be comfortable on my own before life throws in a sidekick. but until then? i guess i'll just chalk it up to more practice on increasing my independence. but it sure is lonesome.

too much to handle

one word to describe these past few weeks? stressful. i have so many things to do, not only for school but also to make some sort of plans for after graduation. all of the semi-plans i thought would be so easily carried out have somehow fallen by the wayside. but oh well [i hope]. ive forced myself to accept that what i wanted, or thought i wanted might not happen right away. so what if i have to move home for a few months to figure out my next step. right? right...

ive been overwhelmed with the amount of work that i have to do in the next two months. add that to 18 hours of clinical time each week with a preceptor who is the closest definition to a flake as i have seen. im exhausted.

not only is school stressful, but my relationships with the people around me are becoming more complex by the day. after an entire month of not speaking, assimus and i think we might have worked things out. but me? im still reeling from the fact that my so-called best friend ditched me for her own personal reasons for 4 straight weeks. and i cant seem to get myself over the fact that im hurt. we have hung out only once since things were quote unquote smoothed over. and that one time? awkward. i cant seem to lower the wall i had worked so hard to build up this past month. i had tried to get to the point where i was ok with things. if she wanted to talk, so be it. if not, then i would find some way to get over it. now that my guard is up, im having a hard time letting her back in. i dont want to get hurt again. i definitely dont deserve it for the friend i have been to her over the past year. and i dont know how to get back to the way things were.

due to the absence of assimus recently, ive forced myself to become more independent. and by more? i mean hanging out with a few other friends alone when previously i would have been with her. one friend in particular is j. he goes to school with me and throughout this whole month has become one of the best guy friends i could ask for. hes let me vent and helped me keep my cool when things have been rough. we have formed a habit of talking at least every day, if not through im, then phone calls and texts. there is an ease to our friendship that is refreshing. when we first started talking there was no expectation of anything more. we were friends. lately ive been hanging out with him more and more. we go out on weekends. i hang out at his house during the week. my so-called "friend" feelings are slowly becoming something more. i find myself becoming anxious to talk to him each day. whats wrong with this picture you're thinking?


well...he just happens to be married.