we're all a little weird

just about sums it up

2008-07-07T23:56:00.000-04:00

"I'm probably best at going where I've already been, she said, but I get bored with it pretty quickly"
[storypeople.com]

what if

2008-07-07T00:19:00.004-04:00

ever notice how easy it is to cry in the shower? the tears streaming down your face mingle with the water so freely you wouldnt even know you were crying had the salt not stung your lips.

i had a mini melt-down this morning. i sit for my boards in two days! scratch that. not even-tuesday morning at 8am. and the stark reality of it all hit way too hard while getting ready for work. for a job that has nothing to do with my selected major in college. a job just barely passing minimum wage that i hate. passing my boards is my get out of jail free card.

however, the possibility of failing is lingering like a dark cloud ready to burst open. and it became too much today. i've been trying to study. but that has not gone well at all. then whos fault will it be should i fail? mine of course. will i like to admit that? not at all.

my main fear? what happens if i fail? i lose the job offer i was given. my job search starts over from the beginning and it has not been an easy road. i have to wait 45 days before being able to test again. i stay at the job i hate for another few months. i become that girl who couldnt pass her exam to get a real job. and facebook? its an evil thing really. mini-feed loves rubbing it in my face when my classmates have passed their exams. what will mine say come thursday or friday morning? yay or nay? and i hardly think the idea of me failing the exam has entered my parents' minds. they are so positive about it all and have not mentioned the other possibility. i hate to think that i would be disappointing them.

the pressure is becoming all too real and the fact that i am taking the test in less than 48 hours has me reeling. they say to think positive. so im trying. but theres always that lurking question in the back of my mind.

what if? what if i fail? what then?

unanswered questions

2008-07-01T01:49:00.002-04:00

do you ever wonder what it is that causes us to spend so much time in that never-ending search for mr. right? that one person that just makes everything so much better [or so you think at the time]?

why, i ask, do we spend a majority of our waking hours pondering who it might be? if that stranger you just brushed past in the grocery store may in fact be him? if the coffee guy who waits on you every morning and knows your order secretly wants to date you? with so many other things going on in our day to day lives, why do we linger on the fact that we are alone?

perhaps things seem like they are better when there is someone to share them with. a bad day at work doesn't seem so bad when you have someone to come home to. a torn friendship is easier to handle when someone is holding your hand through it all. we have all been there..[ok maybe not me exactly], but when the prospect of someone new emerges, things become just a little better. you catch yourself grinning ear to ear for no apparent reason. those butterflies you giggled about with your friends in grade school have suddenly returned. you think you've just entered your own version of a classic romantic movie that's been on repeat for the past year in your mind. of course it's only natural to want to feel this way about someone and have them return those same feelings.

but why, when we can't find this, do we spend all of our waking moments wishing for it? why can't we just be happy with what we have in the here and now. i've continually attempted to live the, "when you stop searching, it will come" mantra, but let's face it, im getting impatient.

i just wish i could spend more time focused on the me. here and now. and be happy with that; rather than spend my days wishing for something more.

in my head

2008-06-27T21:28:00.003-04:00

"hope for the best but prepare for the worst," she said to me as we ended our conversation. she knows me too well. of course my hopes are up although i've only been talking to him for 2 weeks. and they continued to rise throughout the night and next morning as we spent time together.

"just please don't run away from this one this time," my mom said to me before i left to go out that night. it was as though she was pleading with me to stay fixed in my current thought process, knowing all too well that at any given moment i would dart in the opposite direction-with no warning.

later that night it was an internal struggle as i watched him and began to nit-pick his habits that i may find annoying in the future. could i really be with someone who does that? and wow that is completely nerdy, why am i even interested? of course im interested! i couldnt stop the incesant smiling and butterflies the previous week. why am i second guessing my feelings now? it was like an arguement between good and evil going on in my head. stop it. stop over-analyzing your emotions...but perhaps hes not who i was hoping he would be.no hes not... JUSTSTOPIT!

"you've caused yourself to remain single all this time, i hope you realize," my friend blatantly stated as i described what had gone on that night. shes right. of course i have. constantly backing myself out of possible relationships because of; what? fear? who the hell knows. i think its a step in the right direction that ive finally acknowledged it and attempted to put an end to it. but where does this leave me now? waiting for that phone call that might/might not come? rather than feel rejected, perhaps i flee before i allow myself to truely fall. because if i do? i could be left standing alone to pick up the pieces.

worrisome heart

2008-04-23T18:31:00.007-04:00

my heart hurts.

this past weekend was amazing. full of fun, friends, and what would a weekend of partying be without the drama? since i go to a military school, there was a ball this weekend. the one i planned on going to with assimus's bf. the reason her and i didnt talk for awhile.

and her and i? we're slowly working on things. trying to get back to a somewhat normal friendship. trying to repair old wounds that continue to be ripped open. we're trying to be there for each other. she's going through a hard time, but she's also there for me. its a nice change. i can honestly say that she cares, and its been awhile since ive had confidence in that statement.

on thursday night to celebrate my last day of clinical ever! i went to the married guy and dog owner's house for a few drinks. i ended up drinking a little too much and spent the night in dog owner's bed.

then on friday night i was supposed to go to a concert with assimus and the boy, although they changed their minds, so i was left stranded and with no other plans, i headed over to the married guy and dog owner's house yet again. trying to forget my problems and have a good time, i had a few drinks. ok-maybe a few too many and i was introduced to their friends who were visiting for the ball. we all had an amazing time, but i unfortunately passed out extremely early-in married guy's bed, not realizing where i was until i rolled over to his face the next morning. but dont read into this. nothing happened. he was a great friend who took care of me and watched out for me when i couldnt take care of myself.

so i am now nicknamed a "cuddle slut" for sleeping over in different beds two nights in a row. but what can i say? they are 2 of my best guy friends. i am completely comfortable with them. and i feel safe there.

saturday i went home in just enough time to shower and meet my wonderful dependee who came up for the ball and headed right back over to the boys' house for pre-ball festivities where i proceeded to flirt with their friend who was visiting for the weekend. very cute i might add. we returned here to get all dolled up and had an amazing time at the ball..which i have the blisters on my feet to prove it. and where did we end up after the ball? thats right. back to the boys' house-where i fiercely continued my flirting and hooked up with the hot friend.

well. where was the drama? while we were at the ball, married guy had a meltdown talking to assimus. drunkenly blurting out his love for me. yes ME. she passed this information on to me who was also drunk and when i went to talk to him, the topic was ignored and we had a good time for the rest of the night. no awkwardness. the next morning was a different story. i spent a good part of sunday at their house again, even went shooting with them. (yes i shot my first gun! very scary, but kind of cool). all day he appeared as though he was ignoring me, or choosing to be distant. i could just tell something was wrong. and normally? we would have talked about it, but when i asked him what was wrong, it was the same one word answer of 'nothing' every time. maybe he was mad i hooked up with a friend of his? maybe he was embarrassed of knowing what he said the night before? who knows. i just tried to give him space since it was what he apparently needed.

so we had a conversation the other night trying to clear the air. but neither of us dares to bring up the obvious elephant in the room each time we see each other now. and things just aren't the same. and me? well i'm just flat out confused. my feelings for him did not go away while he was gone. if anything they've blossomed into more after spending a solid 4 days at his house. and school is over in less than 3 weeks. and things are weird. im scared. i dont want to leave yet. i dont want things to be different the last few days we can hang out. its as though hearing his admission has all of a sudden freed a multitude of emotions i wasnt letting myself feel. and now i cant put them back. trust me, ive tried. these past few days have been horrible, constantly wondering how things will turn out. can what he said be ignored? should it?

and after having an amazing weekend with some great friends, i am now dragging my feet for graduation even more. i dont want to say goodbye. sitting at home at night alone and not spending time with friends has opened up the floodgates more than once. and i dont know how to fix it. how can things go back to the way they were? is that even possible? because i dont know if i can handle it all ending like this.

because my heart? its hurting.

seven days of lonely

2008-03-26T21:42:00.003-04:00

so i know what you're probably thinking. what am i getting myself into? trust me. i know. stupid to let myself fall for him. i've witnessed more than one example of how that situation could go horribly wrong. half of me is thinking i'm only feeling this way because he has been such an amazing friend lately. and its been nice to have someone there for me. so maybe these feelings are just overwhelming gratitude for how great he has been. and maybe for him its nice to have someone he can talk to as well. with his wife in iraq hes not having the easiest of times. maybe we're just two lonely people who enjoy having a shoulder to lean on. maybe. lets hope.

i guess i have a few weeks to figure it out anyways. hes gone for the next three weeks on a school trip. and i probably wont get to talk to him the whole time. which, i have to admit, only being day 1, i think quite frankly it is going to suck. ive gotten used to having someone to hang out with and talk to. someone who asks how i am doing and really cares about the answer. someone who can take a look at me and know when im not ok. and with things still up in the air with assimus, the next few weeks are looking pretty bleak. and im not good with being alone.

i get lonely very quickly. too quickly. and when it hits its like running headfirst into a brick wall. i cannot ignore it. i hate wanting someone. i hate that i cannot be content on my own. sometimes i think im ok. i can handle it. other times it becomes blatantly obvious that i am alone. like today for instance. i had to do errands. alone. grocery shopping and picking out a birthday gift for one of my friends by myself is not exactly thrilling. it takes effort just to walk around the grocery store with your head held high, trying to prove to everyone else that the reason you are alone is because you're independent. when all i really wanted the entire time was someone to walk next to. someone who wouldnt mind running mindless errands with me. someone to talk to. is that a lot to ask? maybe i need to be comfortable on my own before life throws in a sidekick. but until then? i guess i'll just chalk it up to more practice on increasing my independence. but it sure is lonesome.

too much to handle

2008-03-25T12:22:00.004-04:00

one word to describe these past few weeks? stressful. i have so many things to do, not only for school but also to make some sort of plans for after graduation. all of the semi-plans i thought would be so easily carried out have somehow fallen by the wayside. but oh well [i hope]. ive forced myself to accept that what i wanted, or thought i wanted might not happen right away. so what if i have to move home for a few months to figure out my next step. right? right...

ive been overwhelmed with the amount of work that i have to do in the next two months. add that to 18 hours of clinical time each week with a preceptor who is the closest definition to a flake as i have seen. im exhausted.

not only is school stressful, but my relationships with the people around me are becoming more complex by the day. after an entire month of not speaking, assimus and i think we might have worked things out. but me? im still reeling from the fact that my so-called best friend ditched me for her own personal reasons for 4 straight weeks. and i cant seem to get myself over the fact that im hurt. we have hung out only once since things were quote unquote smoothed over. and that one time? awkward. i cant seem to lower the wall i had worked so hard to build up this past month. i had tried to get to the point where i was ok with things. if she wanted to talk, so be it. if not, then i would find some way to get over it. now that my guard is up, im having a hard time letting her back in. i dont want to get hurt again. i definitely dont deserve it for the friend i have been to her over the past year. and i dont know how to get back to the way things were.

due to the absence of assimus recently, ive forced myself to become more independent. and by more? i mean hanging out with a few other friends alone when previously i would have been with her. one friend in particular is j. he goes to school with me and throughout this whole month has become one of the best guy friends i could ask for. hes let me vent and helped me keep my cool when things have been rough. we have formed a habit of talking at least every day, if not through im, then phone calls and texts. there is an ease to our friendship that is refreshing. when we first started talking there was no expectation of anything more. we were friends. lately ive been hanging out with him more and more. we go out on weekends. i hang out at his house during the week. my so-called "friend" feelings are slowly becoming something more. i find myself becoming anxious to talk to him each day. whats wrong with this picture you're thinking?

well...he just happens to be married.

realizations

2008-03-02T15:59:00.003-05:00

its been a rough week. or two. i thought everything was going smooth for awhile. i was even letting myself get excited about the prospect of a new boy to hang out with. and that? it ended up lasting until the next morning when i left his apartment. no i didnt sleep with him, but he has not gotten ahold of me since. i guess i was just something to keep him occupied for the weekend.

fast forward to two nights later. an old friend from freshman year (who, i will admit, i am foolishly attracted to) invites me over to hang out, because its just "been too long." an hour later, im sitting in his bedroom and we're catching up on the last few years of eachother's lives. we're mentioning how we regret not acting on our feelings earlier. how now he is happy to have split from his gf of 5 years and be able to act on whats been between us for so long. with a promise to get in touch that coming weekend, i leave the next morning. and i bet you can all guess where this is going? ding ding. you're right. havent heard from him since. and yes ive tried getting in contact with him. nothing.

i find myself time and time again getting my hopes up, and prematurely. and my self-esteem? it continually lowers each and every time im brushed off like that. im good to hang out with for a night or maybe two, but no more than that. i know some will read this and think, whats the big deal? you hung out with them for a night. get over it. the thing is? i allow myself to fall. from day 1. if i feel it, i go with it. i get excited. hopeful. and with every let down, my wall gets higher. my guard goes up even more.

on top of this, i have not spoken to assimus for a week and a half. 9 days. and i miss her. there is way more to our friendship than i could ever get into. but the short of it? she thinks its healthier for us to "take a break." i know it sounds corny, but typically i see or talk to her at least every day. as much as it hurts to admit it, deep down i know shes right. she needs to be on her own for a little bit, and she thinks by distancing ourselves that i will be able to become more independent. do what i want without always worrying about her. her and her bf just broke up. of course im worried about her. but ive been trying to do what she wants, so i havent been hovering. ive backed away. i find myself angry with her for doing it. i could use one of my best friends back. i keep telling myself that shes not doing this selfishly. that shes thinking its best for me too. so am i really angry? no i dont think so. but its a lot easier to be angry than hurt. if im angry i dont pay attention to the fact that im losing one of my closest friends. that this is probably it for us. for the past week and a half, ive tried to keep busy, talk to other people, go out with other friends. but its hard. things just arent the same. and im sad to think that it wont ever be the same.

so for now ive focused my energy on my plans for after graduation. ive been applying for jobs, looking at apartments. dreaming about ones that i could never afford. im finally getting excited, but that doesnt override my overwhelming sense of fear. im working on making myself happy. just me. im not counting on others to help me be happy anymore. and know what ive realized? its a hard job to do on your own. but maybe one day, slowly, i'll get there.

thank you rory

2008-02-24T15:15:00.003-05:00

"everything's just ending. i just feel like everything is gonna be over. it's just like im standing on this cliff and looking out into this huge foggy abyss.and in my whole life there has never been an abyss. its been abyssless. ive always known exactly what is in front of me. and ive always known exactly where im going. and now i dont know whats out there. besides fog. a ton of fog. and i hate not knowing what is out there."
[Gilmore Girls]

who knew a simple tv show could explain exactly how you feel at one moment?

where do i stand

2008-02-19T11:51:00.005-05:00

so this past weekend was interesting to say the least. sorry its been awhile since my last post, but i dont think anyone missed me too much.

i had clinical all day on saturday which went by fairly fast, and once i got back my dependee came to visit! it is always a fabulous time when we get together. we can find fun in the most boring of situations. the night started off pretty grim, with no one interesting or fun at the local bar that we have always loved. so when one of her friends invited us to a bar in the next town, we jumped at the chance for the change of scenery.

when we got to the bar we ran into an old friend who we hadnt seen in such a long time, so we sat and caught up for awhile. meanwhile, one of the bartenders who carded us when we walked in was noticeably attractive. to me anyways. he got us our drinks, but other than that didnt speak to us all night. when it came time to close my tab, he had significantly cut the cost of our drinks. he came back to pick up the credit slip and moments later walked by our table and said, "what? no number on the back of the slip? i thought that's how these things usually work!" thinking fast, my friend whips out her phone and gives him my number which he proceeds to put in his phone, with a promise to call.

because we were hanging out with a few people who work at the bar, we were able to hang out past closing, just talking and drinking. when it was time to go, my dependee and i invited the cute bartender and his friend back to my apartment for more drinks. after stopping at the creepy neighborhood cumbys at 2am for some mixers, they followed us back to my place. we had a fun night of kings and asshole then watched a movie.

now this entire time we are hanging out, im a nervous wreck. this never happens to me. random cute guy asking for my number and hanging out? i have no idea what to do, how to act, what to say. and yes i should probably just get over it, but hey. im still learning. we proceed to stay up until 6am, talking and kissing intermittently. trying to get to know each other but also not ignoring the sexual tension that has built. and this entire time, he seems like an amazing guy. sweet, caring, gentleman, good listener, and didnt pressure me into anything. totally different experience than ive had before. im so used to the asshole types who only care about one thing. and me? i wouldnt label myself as a prude, but im also not willing to give it up at the drop of a hat.

the next morning we all go out for breakfast then go our separate ways, with him promising to call because he would like to hang out again. as would i obviously. im not even back home yet and i get a text from him asking when we are hanging out again. exciting? i thought so. someone was finally paying attention to me, and actually wanted to hang out again. it was great. and after a discussion with my dependee about butterflies? (as 5th grade and corny as that sounds) i can honestly say i get them everytime my phone rings and its him.

yesterday i spent a majority of the day in deep conversation with assimus about our friendship. im not going to go into details about it, but its been a little rough lately and we were able to talk about everything, open and honestly and i think it will definitely help things, and make our friendship stronger. im not one for honest, open communication face to face, and ive always shyed away from it with her, and yesterday, on the phone at least, i was finally able to talk about things that ive been thinking about and keeping in. maybe from now on we can get into the habit of always doing that. basically, it was a really good conversation and i felt much better after we talked.

so last night the boy texts me and askes me if i would like to meet him at the same bar we met at because hes hanging out with a few friends, and i knew a few of them, so it could be a relaxed atmosphere to get to know each other a little better. seeing as i had class this morning at 9am, i had definitely not planned on drinking much if at all, also because i had to drive 20 minutes back home afterwards. well-that plan was quickly thrown out the window. after one drink, i figured two would be ok. and the boy offered to buy me a third. then my friend bought a round of jaegar bombs-which i do not do shots. but with peer pressure and a promise that it really wouldnt be that bad, down it went. and now im a fan of jaeger bombs. but now, 3 drinks and a shot later, i am in no shape to drive home. so the boy offers to let me crash at his place down the street. and being a little more outgoing and daring at this point in the evening, i agree. so we leave, hand in hand back to his apartment.

enough snow alreadyyy

2008-02-07T15:34:00.000-05:00

i think we've officially gotten enough snow. every morning this week i have woken up to inches upon inches of snow outside. and to top it off, this morning after getting up at 430 to head to clinical, i couldnt even get out of my own driveway! good news, i got to go back to bed. bad news, i now have to find time to make it up. fabulous. and its still snowing. im going to attempt to make the hour drive tonight for tomorrow morning's clinical, but we'll see how that goes. if nothing else, it'll be a fun night catching up with an old friend :)

dream big

2008-02-06T00:06:00.000-05:00

dream big.

two simple words that might not seem like much, but they are spoken to me by a friend almost every night before i go to bed. one night when i was feeling down, she said these two words and they made a huge difference. if only those two words could retrieve as much meaning as they did then.

i know ive exhausted the-im graduating soon and scared to death-topic. but hey. whats one more entry right? today during my first class we had a discussion, and i, being shy, never say peep during class unless asked. ok, pretty much forced. but today? i couldnt even think of anything legitimate to add to the conversation. i felt---inadequate. i couldnt even come up with simple nursing answers? how am i ever going to be a nurse? and a good one at that. then later as im working on practice NCLEX questions in the library, the inadequacies continued to flaunt themselves and mock me. i could feel my stress level increasing by each.word.in.every.question.

im going to FAIL. of course that is my immediate, and yes i admit, irrational thought. failing is a possibility, but i cant start thinking that now! i rushed home and made a to-do list of all the work i need to get started on. anddd it didnt help. it possibly increased my stress level.

and to top it all off? graduation is less than a mere 100 days from now. of course it sounds like a lot to those who have no deadline steadily approaching. i havent applied for a job yet. i havent decided where i want to move. that decision is slowing making progress but emphasis on the slowly. i feel like im swimming and constantly trying to keep my head above water, but its getting harder to see the other side and im getting tired. im tired of not knowing what i want to do. im tired of being scared of making an actual decision that-oh my-might change my life for the better. im tired of spending a majority of my last semester in college alone in my apartment. im just tired. and in need of change. oh but drumroll...im terrified of change remember? its a vicious cycle that is on constant repeat.

but for now? im dreaming. BIG.

time for me

2008-01-24T16:32:00.000-05:00

life isnt then.
life isnt when.
life is this.
here.
now.
[october road]

as i was watching this weeks episode on tivo, i kept rewinding this scene. it seemed to hit home for me. life isnt about wishing you could change what has happened, or waiting for something better to come along. its about enjoying the moments you have. right here and now. we have no control over the past or future, but we have a fraction of control over the present. what a wonderful gift it is when you really think about it.

i for one can say that i live in my past. i am constantly rehashing things that have already happened, or i live off of great memories i created with my best friends. i definitely cannot say that i live for the moment, and take every day for what its worth. im always waiting for something else. what exactly? at this point in my life i cant really say. what do i really want? its a question i barely ask myself mostly because im afraid of the answer. i like to think that im not a selfish person, and i am always putting others before myself. maybe ive just been using that as an excuse to not look too deeply into my own wants. if i actually knew what i wanted, that would mean i would have to act on those wants. and that scares me. ive always been able to follow along and do what those around me are doing. i never make decisions, even small easy ones because i dont want to deal with any possible negative consequences. and im getting to the point where i have to make decisions on my own. really look into what i want with my life. just me. for once i need to put myself first. so i can really start living life for the moment.

change

2008-01-16T22:00:00.000-05:00

i thought i needed a change. like the new design? thanks to my very cool big sis, i now have a design that fits my personality a little better:) shes the best.

letting go

2008-01-14T14:47:00.000-05:00

you're a lonely soul
cause you wont let go
of anything you hold
[one republic]

i think i hold grudges. ok no. i do hold grudges. and for no real reason that i can come up with. personal flaw? possibly. maybe because all of my close friends have either lied (hugely) to me or hurt me in someway at least once in our friendship. in those situations ive always tried to forgive them. i like to think that i have forgiven them. but i can never seem to forget. it will always come back up later as a joke, or in an argument in which i throw it back at them. i cant seem to let go of these situations. i dont know if im scared to lose these friendships so much that i will forgive anything? i love all of my friends to death, and i think they feel the same about me, so it makes it easy to forgive. but why so hard to forget? and i wonder if i subconsciously push them away in doing so. i dont have that many close friends, so the last thing i want to do is push them away. i dont want to carry around these grudges all the time. they can really weigh on a friendship. and im starting to feel it. but i need my friends. so this is me. trying to let go.

til' now i always got by on my own.
[celine dion]

when you're gone

2008-01-11T01:05:00.000-05:00

so i guess he gave me more than three strikes:) i checked my phone once again yesterday after work only to discover that the marine had tried calling me three times. it had been making me feel worse and worse every time i saw a new missed call from him. i couldnt imagine what he was thinking-probably that i was ignoring him. an automated response that i got this morning from an email i sent to him last night was that he was not going to be using that address for the next 6 weeks. my heart sank. maybe he was trying to call so much because he wouldnt be able to get in touch with me soon.

while wallowing in my despair this afternoon however, my phone magically rang. it was HIM! i couldnt have been more excited. my hello was greeted with a husky, "well you're a very hard person to get a hold of." you have no idea how great it was to hear his voice. and i know its corny, but it brought tears to my eyes to be able to talk to him. i didnt realize how much i miss him until now. yes ive been thinking about him a lot, but this was different. i was also extremely relieved that he kept trying to call and i was finally available when he called. we talked for about 20 minutes before his calling card died, but with a promise that he would call again soon. he just has this way of making me feel special every time i talk to him. that although im sure he keeps in touch with a multitude of people, i always feel that im important to him. hes away fighting a war yet he thinks of asking how i'm doing and cares about the answer. and im sure you're all asking why im just realizing this now? im asking myself the same question.

as much as i keep telling myself not to, i feel myself getting my hopes up. why? not so sure. yes im extremely happy, excited, touched-all of the above-that he has continued to keep in touch and think of me while hes away. but the other part of me realizes that hes out of the country until may. and with much disappointment i learned today that he might have to go back later this year for a second deployment. even my parents are excited over the news that i got to talk to him, but i found myself arguing with my mom tonight about how i cant get too excited now, or keep my hopes up for something that may never happen, or if so, not for a few years. and whos to say when i get to see him next and perhaps he feels the same that i dont go running in the opposite direction like i always have? i dont know. or it could just be thats hes a constant in my life at the moment when everything else seems to be up in the air.

so far away from where you are
these miles have torn us worlds apart
and i miss you
yeah i miss you.
[Lifehouse]

three strikes?

2008-01-07T20:17:00.000-05:00

so i know i told the marine not to use his money to call me because its so expensive, and since we had each other's emails it would be easier for him to contact me that way. but what i was really thinking was...please call me anytime you want to! ive gotten a few emails from him, which is so great, its always a pleasant surprise-but i miss the phone calls. but i cant be bummed because i told him not to call. however...

the other night i was laying in bed and heard my phone ringing in the other room. it was like slow motion. i got to my phone, saw that it was him and as im opening it to answer, the screen blares: call ended. DAMMIT! i was so excited then so disappointed that i missed it. so then i thought-i'll just always carry my phone with me. wrong. work rules: no cell phone while punched it. and guess what? he called TWICE while i was at work the other day. i sent him an apologetic email after the first call asking him to call again because i was really looking forward to hearing from him. well after calling back twice and me not answering, what is he going to think? three strikes im out and hes not trying back again? cause i would love to hear his voice again. all i can say is my phone has become a permanent appendage to my body within the last few days.

possibilities

2008-01-02T23:05:00.000-05:00

It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways,but it's that place in between that we fear . . . . It's like being between trapezes. It's Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. There's nothing to hold on to .– Marilyn Ferguson

so ive been doing a lot more thinking about post-graduation/college plans. and it still scares me. and ive been reading one of the books big sis got me for christmas. and granted it makes some good points, but follow them and have everything work out perfect? um probably not. i have been trying to be realistic. i want to go look at the childrens hospital far away during spring break with my parents. but then i think-hello stupid! why would you do that? it would be a waste-because everyone who knows me would know that there is no way in hell i would pick up, leave everyone and everything i know and move 1500 miles away alone. hah right. get a clue. and when i said this to my parents, my dad was surprised and asked why we were going to go then. becauseeee i want to? there is still some part of me that thinks maybe..possibly...someday...i might get the courage to do it and when that day comes i would want to know what im headed for.

tonight after a very long hiatus from my very best dependee (not by choice-we are both very busy. ok just doing nothing at different times. we should get that on track.) we finally got a chance to catch up. and i filled her in on my semi-plan. she was excited from the get-go and asked if i needed a roomate. im thinking shes joking because it would be too good to be true. if i moved out there with one of my best friends-what was stopping me now? a familiar face and roomate. new town. great job (potentially). and my great idea now seemed possible perhaps.

and before my big sis jumps on this-because i know what shes thinking. she offered once to move there with me if thats what i wanted to do. god love her because i know she would do it in a heartbeat. shes the best sister in the world and would do anything for me. but shes had this goal to move to london while still young-hopefully within the next year. and if she moves with me, she doesnt go. and i want her to go soo bad. as much fun as it would be to experience it together, i want to her do this for herself. shes wanted it for so long and she deserves it. i think it would make her truly happy. (so big sis-this doesnt mean i wouldnt want to move and live with you, because i would, but i think you should try for that london dream of yours if you can...plus i can come visit! :) and im always grateful you jumped with the offer to move if i wanted! )

when the wheels started turning, i thought to myself...i could do it. maybe it is something i need. a fresh start, somewhere new. and its been a thought of mine to work at this certain hospital for awhile now. and there is nothing holding me back. and my fear of-what happens if i dont like it? like my dependee said...so you move back home and get a new job closer. its really that simple. and its not like i wouldnt be able to find a job back here if i needed to or wanted to come back home. the only thing i would miss would be my family. and my parents. A LOT. and it almost brought me to tears to think of moving that far away from them. but it would only be a plane ride away. right? its manageable. ive just never thought that i would move away from my parents-or ive always pictured myself much older and wiser when i did it. so this whole idea ive sort of been pushing down due to my own fear, is now resurfacing. and its looking a little brighter than it was before.

baby steps

2007-12-26T22:58:00.000-05:00

i hope everyone had a splendid holiday! i know i did. usually getting together with my extended family can be a tad stressful, but both christmases went very well. a lot of my cousins are now older so we can all relate to each other and have conversations about school-more so than when we were younger. so we had a great time. i was also extremely spoiled by my parents, as i am every year. i like to think that although im spoiled, im not a spoiled brat. im very appreciative of what i have and hope my parents know this.

ive been working a LOT. and im beginning to not like my job at all. i think i just need a day off. which i cant tell you when my next one is. i did have this past weekend off though. all my mom wanted for christmas was a weekend away at this condo she loves. so my family went for saturday and sunday. we went on a sleigh ride, walked around in the really nice weather, shopped. all kinds of fun christmassy stuff. we had a good time. then on sunday night when we got home my friend M had just gotten back from school. i hadnt seen her since this summer so we decided to get together for drinks. we can go months without talking and pick up right where we left off feeling as though no time had passed. thats what i love about our friendship. when we got to the bar three kids we had gone to high school and hadnt really seen since graduation were there. they offered for us to sit with them so we did, and had polite, somewhat awkward conversation with them-catching up on what everyone was doing. two of them were girls that i was never really close with, but one was a guy that i have known since kindergarden. we've grown up together, but we kind of grew apart during high school, not really hanging out in the same crowd. but when they got up to leave he asked if i was going to be around this weekend to go out for a drink, and asked for my number. i find this very interesting. we shall see if he actually calls. im not sure what the premise of the drinks is exactly. friends catching up? a date? who knows. but i found myself somewhat excited.

speaking of exciting, ive gotten a few emails back from the marine. nothing huge, but its definitely nice to hear back from him:) i wish he could call back sometime, even though i told him it was ok not to call back since it was too expensive. i try to not overdo it by sending too many emails, but i get excited and lose patience waiting to hear back from him. i just hope we can keep talking as much until he gets back.

on the other hand, ive only gotten one email from assimus. i miss her a lot but i dont want to bug her and her bf so ive tried to back off a little. i texted them awhile ago and didnt hear back, so i emailed them to make sure everything was ok and still didnt hear back for a couple days until the other night. im sad to say its almost as if-out of sight, out of mind. and im not really a fan of not talking to her everyday like im used to. and a downfall of mine is that i get stubborn after awhile and think-fine. if they dont want to talk to me, then they wont have to and i wont get in touch with them either, which doesnt help the situation either. im just sort of hurt because its not how i thought things would go over break. we'll see when school starts back up i guess.

ive also started looking into options for after graduation. big sis got me a few books to read-the turbulent twenties survival guide and a car some cash and a place to crash. both books on what to do during/after graduation and how to cope with it :p i guess she could sense my anxiety and thought i could use some help. so ive looked for jobs at hospitals in the area, but i looked for some positions at an amazing childrens hospital about 1500 miles away. i would absolutely love to work there. but its sooo far away. moving would be such a huge step for me to do on my own. but it could also be a great change for me as well. so during spring break i decided to take a trip there to see if i like it. that way if i dont i can at least cross that option off my list completely. and if i do like it-well ill figure that out when i get to that point. but its made me feel as though im starting to get myself prepared and that im starting to take a few steps in the right direction. i have something to say when i get the ever popular question, "so what are your plans after graduation?" when before it was a dumbfounded silence or shrug of the shoulders has now become some sort of plan. and it feels good.

just say no

2007-12-18T22:24:00.001-05:00

today was a good day. i got up and helped my dad stack wood (yay for new england winters) and then got lunch with my parents. then dad and i did errands all afternoon-picking up last minute christmas gifts. then tonight i had a christmas party for work out of town. nothing big. more like a few people getting together at a friend's house with a secret santa and pot luck dinner. it was alright. a lot of older people that i work with and dont necessarily get along with. at one point tonight my boss cornered me and asked me to go in early tomorrow. i wanted to say noooo sorry im busy. but because i dont have plans and i cant say no when people ask favors, i said sure why not. so instead of an 8 hour day, i get to look forward to a 10 hour one. and at a grocery store the week before christmas-its not looking too great. i almost wished i had chosen to work my other job as a cna that i had this summer. they both wanted me back. i wanted something low key and less stress. sooo i decided this job why? who knows.

and im tired. last night i tossed and turned for a good hour when i got into bed and didnt fall asleep till 230-making for a very tired and somewhat grumpy me tonight. and my body is sore from all the shoveling and stacking wood in the past few days since ive been home. granted its good for me to be getting the exercise, but its been awhile and i can definitely feel it. so. sorry for the boring post, but i think it is time for bed. i have a very long day tomorrow.

what if you

2007-12-16T19:03:00.000-05:00

so finals are over. YAY! my last nursing final was yesterday morning then i had to rush back to my apartment and pack to head home for break. my plan was to relax and stay one more night but with the storm coming i had to leave early.

as much as i was annoyed, i ended up having a pretty good time with my friend that came to visit. the weather sucked for the ride back from picking her up however. and trying to study with someone always around was a tad difficult. i probably didnt study enough for my final on saturday, but oh well. we had a good time. i dropped her off on my way home then met my mom for dinner and picked up some supplies since we were snowed in all day today.

being home is weird. ive come to that point where it doesnt exactly feel like home anymore. my apartment at school feels more like home than here, and when i come here its just for a visit. my room hasnt changed or anything, but the feeling definitely has. im not sure if i was ready for that. i go back to work tomorrow-back to the place ive worked since i was 16. its not the greatest but the people are nice and i need some money. plus it will keep me busy over vacation.

only one semester stands between me and graduation. very scary thought. and this semester flew by way faster than i planned/liked. i wish there was a pause button for this break. if i could stall for just a little bit, it would be perfect. i need to make actual concrete decisions this break (which will be encouraged and pushed along by my parents.) i had made a goal for myself that i would start planning my after graduation plans this break. never thought it would come so fast. im not anywhere closer to any decision than i was at the beginning of this year. it all comes down to the fact that im scared of making the wrong choices. however im not sure how many choices i actually have at the moment. we shall see i guess.

things are changing with assimus and her bf as well. shes finally got her own place-very exciting-and her bf is staying there with her as well. however theyve only had this place for about a week and i already feel as though we're drifting. i saw them less than normal-ok. a lot less. and a months break isnt going to help that fact i dont think. we havent made any plans to see each other over break, and truthfully i dont see it happening. maybe its good practice for graduation when i leave and they stay and we go weeks without seeing each other. but it still sucks now.

i also havent heard back from the marine. i responded to his email last week when i got it and have been patiently (ok.impatiently) waiting. i know its going to be hard to try to keep in touch with him. because its so random when he can actually access a phone or computer i should stop expecting things so that when i do hear from him its even better. however since he called last week ive found myself thinking about him a lot more. to the point where i got home and dug for a picture i knew i had somewhere of us from high school. its the only picture i have of us together. i found it eventually but now im at a loss as to what to do with it. my mom asked me last night if i would ever date him. an immediate nod came out of nowhere. would i really? of course is my initial thought. then i wonder if i just think that because he is so far away for so long. if he was standing in front of me now would i still think the same thing? i would like to think so. amazing time for me to figure this all out now-after he just left for 9 months. its all just a waiting game for now i guess. but i can say for sure that i miss him a lot and his face has taken up residence in my head.

1 DOWN 1 to go

2007-12-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

so i just finished taking my english final this morning, meaning only one left on saturday. thank god. on my way to my final, running a few minutes later than usual i attempted to jog up the stairs. big mistake. i faceplanted. yup. going UPstairs. and slammed my knee into the edge of a stair. being as im shy and completely uncomfortable being in the spotlight, i didnt dare turn around to catch a glimpse of who could have possibly seen me. i got up as quickly as i could ignoring the pain and practically ran to class. to make matters worse my knee throbbed all during my final making it difficult to concentrate. this week just keeps getting better...

ive got to go shower before driving to pick up my friend halfway. yup. great.

Venting

2007-12-12T20:02:00.000-05:00

im so annoyed. so this post may make me seem like a complete bitch. but whatever. i dont think anyone reads it anyways.

being as its finals week, im already stressed. one of my close friends from college who graduated last year and just recently moved far away wants to come visit this week. i told her it was finals week and i would have some studying to do, but she said she could visit other people while im studying, so i said sure. adding to this, she then asked if she could stay until i go home, and get a ride back with me. seeing as i sort of go by her old hometown, its not too far out of the way, but the fact that she assumes this is all fine really irks me. and i had planned on hanging out with some friends before i left since i wont see them for awhile, but this friend doesnt necessarily get along with some of my other friends, so it makes hanging out all together not such a great idea. so i have to change my plans. now i just got a call from her asking if i can meet her mom halfway tomorrow to pick her up seeing as she doesnt have a car while shes visiting. i want to say NO! this week is bad timing to begin with nevermind having to drive to come pick you up! but i cant. i feel mean and that she'll be mad if i say no. i know to some, this probably doesnt seem like such a problem and i shouldnt be annoyed. but seriously. its too stressful at the moment. i havent seen her in forever, so its not that i dont want to see her. i do. its just bad timing. and she doesnt seem to get that.

on top of things, i got ditched last night. theres this guy who i became very fast friends with my freshman year, and also developed a very serious attraction for him. unlucky for me, he had a very serious girlfriend. we hung out every day. which was great and not so great since i liked him so much. we had a very close friendship and i loved every minute of it-except the gf part. there was always lots of flirting and sexual tension as well, although never acted on (minus one very drunk night on my part basically throwing myself at him-which he refused). there is just something about him that i find myself very attracted to and i have held a flame for him ever since we met. i dont know if i want to use the word love, but i have never felt so strongly about anyone, i dont know how else to describe it. ive liked others since him, but hes always been there. it got easier sophmore year when he moved off campus and i didnt see him everyday, but to this day everytime i see him, the feelings come flooding back. well assimus is taking over his room at his apartment since hes moving out, so ive seen him a few times this past week or so. monday we went over so she could finalize things with him and he mentioned a party last night that he was going to, and wanted me to go to. hes invited me before, but i usually chicken out because i dont like going by myself. he knew that i might, so he offered to actually pick me up for the party, which was a first. i stupidly got excited. last night rolls around and i dont hear from him. i wasnt all that surprised, but it still hurt, more than i care to admit.

and im lonely. ive been sitting in my apartment by myself either studying or trying to pass the time. i need more friends. i dont like being alone. i know i shouldnt rely on others to be happy, but i find myself doing that a lot. which makes it even worse that im complaining about my friend coming to visit. i should be excited to have company. so then i just feel guilty for being annoyed at her coming. ugh.

oh and the dog owner? havent heard from him since last weekend. turns out i was just available when he needed the favor, but i was no longer needed after that, so why talk to me? right. makes sense.

and is it really necessary for me to smell every meal that the people living downstairs make?? especially when its not a very appealing aroma.

add up all these things and im just stressed and hurt and annoyed-equaling not a very happy me. so whatever. call me a bitch. i dont really care at the moment.

it's the little things

2007-12-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

this weekend was so great. big sis came up to visit and we went shopping when she got here on saturday..and we ended up getting more things for ourselves rather than christmas shopping for everyone else...whoops. but we had a good time. sunday we spent the day getting ready for an early christmas dinner that i was having here for some friends from school. assimus and i had planned it and were expecting about 15-20 people. and no, my apartment is not that big. assimus and i had done the groceries earlier in the week so big sis and i did some last minute errands then set up and starting cooking. its a lot of work to prepare food for that many people! but it was fun doing it-we got a few laughs too. everyone started showing up around 6 and all the guys gathered around the tv for the pats game which was good. we ended up having about 14 or so people come, and i think it was a success. everyone seemed to enjoy the food, and the company. it was a good way to see everyone before break.

yesterday big sis and i went to get our matching tattoos! i already have one, but big sis didnt so she was a bit nervous. however deciding to get mine on my ribs made me a little nervous too. she wanted to go first, thinking if she watched me get mine she might not get hers haha. they didnt take very long, although it was pretty painful, but they look great! im so glad we did it together:)

now for a change of subject...
my junior year in high school i met this really great guy while actually trying to set him up with one of my close friends. she wasnt interested, but it got us talking and getting to know each other. at the time, judging from his reputation and just what i had heard from others about him, i didnt really think he was my type-partier, smoked pot, bad boy type. however as i got to know him, he was-still is-the sweetest most caring individual. we ended up talking every night for hours, about anything. he definitely had my best interests at heart and treated me amazingly. for reasons that i cant really explain or understand myself, when he asked me out i said no. he was willing to change to be the guy that i thought would be right for me. maybe in a sense i didnt want him to have to change? to this day it remains a huge regret of mine and something i would go back and change if i could. but thankfully, being the amazing guy he is, we remained close friends-talking and hanging out. he was my date for prom that year and we had a great time. my senior year (he was a year younger than i was in school) we grew apart a little, not talking as much, but we stayed good friends. when i went away to college we pretty much stopped talking, unless once in awhile either of us would call the other out of the blue to catch up. i love that we can not talk for months, but pick up the phone and talk as though no time has passed. he joined the marines after graduation and moved to california. although he was a great guy in high school, joining the marines was a good decision for him and he has matured immensely and become an amazing individual and im so proud of what hes done. maybe he has become the person i thought he could be back then-or wanted him to be? this summer we started talking a lot again, a few times a week, but i havent seen him in a few years because hes been in cali. we attempted to meet up a few times, but something always got in the way. then he got deployed at the end of october before i had a chance to see him, but we kept in touch until then, with a promise that we would keep in touch while he was gone. until he could get ahold of me, all i could do was wait. well on monday while we were at the tattoo parlor, assimus answered my phone, and not understanding who it was, passed it over to me.
"Hey you, do you know who this is??"
i was beyond excited. a huge smile crept over my face and my stomach suddenly became home to hundreds of butterflies. he was calling. from across the world. to talk to me. of all people he could call to talk to, he chose me. its a great feeling. we talked for about 10 minutes and he said he finally found my email after losing it, so there was an email waiting for me at home:) needless to say i checked it immediately when i got home. the rest of the day i floated on this high. we've talked on the phone a million times, but this was different. one because i knew he was safe, but two because the fear i had of us losing connection again was gone.

i will keep you updated on emails:) but for now i just have to make it through the rest of this week. last classes were yesterday and finals start tomorrow. thank god i only have two to study for. tomorrow is my first final-english-blech. my other final isnt until saturday in nursing-but worth wayyy more than i care to remind myself. then i get to head home on sunday-which im not sure if im as excited as usual? maybe im too stressed to think of it now. who knows.

for now its back to the books...

with a smile

2007-12-07T16:24:00.000-05:00

so ive recently come to the conclusion due to complete boredom that my life needs a little more excitement. i have way too much free time annnnd not a whole lot to do. i guess my free time should be spent more on getting school work done, but lately i havent had much to do. and with my two favorites getting new jobs, ive kind of been left to entertain myself. and im not that fun. take today for instance. i had class till 11 then came back here and did absolutely nothing. made some lunch, made a few phone calls and that about sums up my afternoon. and grocery shopping with assimus later tonight is looking to be the highlight of my friday evening. i like not having to worry about having a job during school, but im also getting restless. i need something to do. im just glad that christmas break is in about a week and i can head home. im planning on going back to my high school job for break to earn a little extra money, and to keep me busy i suppose.

my big sis is coming up to visit me tomorrow though!! that is DEF exciting:) shes spending the weekend here so we can get our tattoos on monday. im psyched. hopefully she is too haha. we dont have too many plans besides some christmas shopping and hanging out. but on sunday night her, assimus and i are planning an early christmas dinner for a bunch of friends from school. we're looking at feeding about 20 people, although my apartment only has seating for about 10ish, so that will be interesting. since assimus has to work all day sunday, big sis and i will spend the day preparing. should be fun bonding time for her and i:) and the dinner should be a good opportunity for me to make new friends, since i dont really know many of the people coming over. their a lot of assimus and her bf's friends. maybe it'll help me come out of my shell a little. we'll see.

so the phone just rang.
"Hello?"
"Hello beautiful." (which elicits a curious grin-i dont get too many calls like that. ok i lied. i dont ever get calls like that.)
"Um..whos this?"

its the dog owner. my heart jumps a little. i havent talked to him all week and im excited hes called. then here it comes.
"Coulddddd you do me a favor?"
right. of course. now it makes sense. he needs me to let his dog out again. something came up unexpectedly. and of course i nod, smile and say yes. i dont say no to many people. ok. i dont say no to anyone when it comes to favors. he says he owes me for taking care of his dog last weekend and for helping him with a paper for school. he said this last week. said hed cook dinner. tonight he offered dinner AND dessert. which, im guessing isnt actually ever going to happen. its just a nice thing to offer since im doing him the favor. what i really want to say is-you just called me because yes im probably home and one of the few people you would trust to look after your dog and you know i would do it for you. but no. i dont say that. im just going to go over tonight and let the dog out. cause its what i do. and if i get dinner-great. if not-nothing new.

100 things

2007-12-03T11:41:00.000-05:00

with the snow piling up outside and im holed up inside my apartment, i figured what better time to work on my blogging. taking the idea from some other blogs i have read, here are 100 things about me...

100. i love snow. ive always wanted to go snowmobiling or snowshoeing but have never had the chance.

99. my favorite color has always been orange but lately i think its becoming red.

98. i love to read-but only when i dont have to. ask me to read for classes and its like pulling teeth.

97. i have a stuffed animal. yes dont laugh. ive had him since 4th grade and hes a white dog named humphrey.

96. i am an avid movie watcher. i love movies and own over 200 of them. but that doesnt even compare to my sister who probably owns over 500.

95. i am a godmother to the cutest little boy. i feel like im missing out on too much of his childhood because he lives a few hours away and i dont get to visit as much as i want to.

94. i have a tattoo. which to many people was surprising because i am the last person my friends thought would do it. and im going for a second one with my sister soon. makes me feel rebellious i guess you could say.

93. as dorky as it sounds, i miss high school.

92. my favorite time of year is fall.

91. im addicted to mountain dew which is very bad for you. but hey, we all have our vices right?

90. im addicted to AIM too, im on alllll the time. makes me feel connected to other people. ok..so i have 2 vices.

89. im a very punctual person. i am almost always early and HATE being late. and i hate when other people are late.

88. im extremely shy-to the point where it hinders my social skills at times.

87. i love northface. at any one time i will probably be outfitted in something with their logo on it.
86. i am extremely blessed to have sister that cares about me as much as she does. she is willing to do anything for me with no questions asked. not everyone can say that. im one of the lucky ones.

85. im not a fan of my landlords and cant wait to move. and remind me to get a landlord that doesnt live nearby.

84. im thinking this list will be harder than i originally thought.

83. im a sap for reminiscing on old memories and pictures and laughing about them with friends.
82. i love the season from thanksgiving to christmas. the snow, christmas music, decorations. everyone seems happy and excited.

81. i like going out on the weekends and having fun.

80. im terrified of the future and of making the wrong choice after graduation (which is coming in 6 months).

79. i love to stay up late and sleep in, but i hate wasting away the day.

78. i am a procrastinator and will usually save work until the day before it is due before finishing it. i like to say i work better under stress-but who knows really.

77. i hate that it gets dark at 430. makes it kind of depressing.

76. i was valedictorian of my high school class and gave a speech at graduation. i hate telling people that, that they think im bragging or rubbing it in their face. thats not it, im just proud of myself, and that doesnt happen very often.

75. i go to a part military college in a verrry small town. but i like it as much as i may complain about it sometimes.

74. i love to dance, but only when no ones watching. or when im drunk enough to not know the difference.

73. ive never been in a relationship. im ready for that to change.

72. i love reading quotes and i read a quote of the day every day. thank you holly.

71. i dont like being alone most of the time. i get lonely very quickly.

70. i got a black eye when i was 5 racing with my sister to turn off a light.

69. the people that live below me are very loud and very annoying (for instance while im typing this there is a constant pounding noise coming from downstairs and i have no idea what it is). but im too much of a nice person/scaredy cat to ask them to be a little quieter. did i mention they have their own band? exactly.

68. contrary to what you may think from the previous statement, i love music and i like finding songs and artists that are new and not very popular. i hate hearing the same songs played on the radio all the time. it gets boring.

67. i will never end a conversation at night with my best friend from high school without saying night friend:).

66. add one more 6 and its evil, although i dont believe in superstitions.

65. i learned how to ski back in middle school, but never kept with it. now i wish i had so i could ski better. im setting a goal to go skiing this winter.

64. my favorite tv shows at the moment are october road, greys anatomy and prison break.

63. i hate waking up to an alarm.

62. i dont have many friends, but the ones i do have are amazing and i couldnt be luckier. quality over quantity.

61. i dont like to talk about myself, so making this list is hard.

60. i love hot chocolate. hate coffee.

59. im a jealous person but dont like to admit it. its definitely a downfall of my personality.

58. i miss my parents. they are simply amazing and i dont tell them that nearly enough.

57. im not a fan of change and avoid it at all costs if possible.

56. i feel bad downloading music for free so i buy it all of itunes and spend way too much.

55. my mom says you can tell exactly what im thinking through my eyes, which isnt always a good thing. ive tried to work on it, but i think its just who i am, for good or bad.

54. i couldnt get kenny chesney tickets for this coming year and im wicked bummed about it.

53. yes i just used the word wicked.

52. sometimes i find myself in ruts. sad, throw myself a pity party, woe is me kind of things. i dont know how to fix them. wish i did because it hurts my relationships with my friends, which is the last thing i need. im working on it.

51. i own lots of clothes but wear the same outfits all the time, which annoys assimus.

50. i only type with my two index fingers and my thumb. it looks funny, but it works, and im pretty fast at it too.

49. i prefer bright colors and patterns to dark and plain colors.

48. i get bored easily.

47. i tend to be picky sometimes, but i hate making decisions, its too much pressure.

46. i had a timeline set up for my life, but realized this is unrealistic and im trying to come to terms with it and reorganize.

45. i was a cheerleader for 8 years up until high school, then did it freshman year of college, and will never regret it because i made some amazing friends.

44. im allergic to jewelry. it was really bad when i was little, but its getting better as i get older.

43. im a sap for romantic love stories, especially movies, but then they just leave me jealous and wanting what i dont have.

42. id rather be cold than hot. i love to layer in sweatshirts and cozy blankets.

41. my roomate practically does not live with me because she is never here and i realize i never want to live by myself. its way too lonely. and creepy.

40. i wish i had better style.

39. my parents spoil me tremendously, but i like to think im not a brat about it. i hope so anyways.

38. i check facebook a couple times a day. yes i am a dork.

37. i like homemade presents rather than store bought ones.

36. i like taking naps.

35. i love getting cd's made by other people and listening to them for the first time. its also exciting.

34. i like shoes, and will buy them if they look cute even if they are not that comfortable.

33. i like tradition, and i dont like it when its broken.

32. my family takes a major trip almost once a year. my favorite was aruba.

31. i have always wanted to go to australia. i am going to go someday.

30. i dont like beer or wine and im not too keen on the taste of liquor either, but i prefer that over the other two.

29. im pretty good at keeping secrets.

28. i dont like being lied to. it hurts my feelings.

27. i would give anything for my friends and family. they are what keep me going and i try to always put them first.

26. i trust pretty easily, but once that trust is broken i have a hard time getting it back.

25. the age my sister is turning this year, which is very weird. it doesnt seem like we're growing up that fast.

24. i wish i was more impulsive. the few times i have been have been some of the most fun times ive had.

23. i hate the fact that assimus will be so far away come graduation. when youre used to spending every day with someone, a few days apart feels like weeks.

22. im surprised that ive remained close to my high school best friend, and im so grateful for it.

21. my parents are still together, which is a rarity these days. i can only hope to have half as great a marriage as theirs.

20. i like to laugh. its the best medicine.

19. sometimes i wonder if i chose the right career. kind of late to think of that now.

18. im still a virgin. and proud of it.

17. i got my license on the first try.

16. i hardly ever skip class and when i do i feel like a rebel.

15. spring semester my sophmore year will probably be the best semester i had during college. i have THE best memories from it. dependee would agree.

14. im afraid of failure.

13. ive been working on this for 2 hours.

12. i feel uncomfortable talking on the phone. i text instead to avoid the awkwardness.

11. no one will probably read this besides my sister.

10. i like surprises, even small gestures that mean you care.

9. i take after my dad-we have so much in common and get along great. and i love it. i feel bad that my mom knows this.

8. i dont deal with guilt very well. i let it fester and it eats me up inside.

7. someday i want the whole-husband, family, white picket fence, dog package.

6. i dont want to move too far away from my family after graduation. i like being a drive away.

5. im extremely stubborn.

4. how old i was when i was in the hospital for a kidney infection and my dad bought me a talking mickey.

3. i like being the person someone can count on and look to for help. i think its just who i am. i dont like needing other peoples help and dont like admitting when i do.

2. i am a big dork and im usually ok with it. my friends accept it and sometimes join in.

1. life is what you make it. always has been. always will be. i am determined to make it great. no one else is going to do it for me.

brrr...

2007-12-01T22:40:00.000-05:00

so im bad at keeping up with this whole blogging thing, or knowing what to say exactly. so on this cold saturday evening, when i have nothing better to do, here is my attempt at starting again.

so today i had nothing to do and spent the entire day catching up on episodes of october road with two walks with my friends dog thrown in. hes gone for the weekend and asked me to watch his adorable golden retriever. and with me having no life, said sure, why not. nothing better to do. being alone all day however definitely makes time for some wanted/unwanted self-reflection. with assimus and her bf both getting new jobs, they will now be occupied both days every weekend from 8-5ish, and with early mornings making for early nights, my social life has severely taken a cut, because they are pretty much the only two friends i really hang out with on a consistant basis. i guess me relying soley on them for my social life wasnt too smart. its also hard sometimes. when your two closest friends are a twosome, it makes the idea of being a constant third wheel something less than desired. i love them to death, dont get me wrong, but it would be nice to be a foursome sometimes. also, spending an entire day watching a romantic comedy series will have you wishing for that which you lack. makes you wonder why things cant happen like they do on movies/TV. it all looks so romantic with the grandiose displays of affection and things working out just right. and we all love it-even though we may not always admit it. told you-too much time spent alone thinking today.

which brings me back to the dog owner. hes a good friend of mine and ive known him for a few years. but lately ive been looking at him as more than just a friend. he used to be interested in me awhile back, and we've kissed once, but nothing has come of it. im not exactly sure why? when i knew that he was interested, i stayed away and avoided him. when i thought he was over it, i began to talk to him, hang out and flirt again. explanation? no.idea. my easy-get out of explaining maintaining my single status when someone has shown interest, answer is-im afraid of commitment. or the idea of completely opening up to someone enough to be hurt keeps me from getting involved. and the very few times that i have, ive gotten burned. nothing worth writing about, but enough to make me cautious. adding to my problems, im the queen of avoidance. give me any awkward, unwanted situation and i can probably offer a suggestion on how to avoid it. anytime i feel uncomfortable-which is often-i manage to escape and avoid the situation from then on out. courage? guts? balls? i have none. my fear keeps me from doing many things. my fear of intimacy has also kept me from maintaining any physical contact with the opposite sex past the first encounter-and from entering any relationship. why you ask? again. no clue. there are so many unanswered questions about myself that i have yet to find the solution to that makes me wonder if that is the real reason i have always been and still remain single. i need to find myself before anyone else does it first.

like i said.too much alone time today.dont judge.

2 days and counting...

2007-11-14T14:59:00.000-05:00

i cant wait for friday. it feels like i havent been home in awhile, and i miss it. i also just need a break from school. once all my projects are done this week my stress level can decrease a bit. and assimus is definitely coming home with me for a few days! :) im excited for her to meet the rest of my family, although they can be a little weird sometimes..but hey, we're all a little weird right? ;) it is looking to be a fairly busy week, seeing family, more than one thanksgiving meal to allow us to see everyone, and getting some quality time in with the rents, and big sis of course. assimus and i might spend the night at her apartment on saturday. could make for a fun girls night. so basically, im counting the hours till i can go home..downside is its a 4 hour drive-but assimus will keep me company:)

i have to give a presentation later today in my night class. i absolutely HATE public speaking. i am extremely shy and self conscious so i am terrified of standing in front of people and talking. today hopefully wont be too bad, its a group presentation, so the speaking is shared and not all the attention is on one person. being shy is a huge aspect of my personality, but it hinders my decision making a lot of the time. i dont speak out in class, i dont tend to say hi to people if they dont say hi, and i kind of stick to myself (or assimus if she happens to be around) in large groups of people-which i am aware may make me look like a total bitch, but im really not!
"the key to individuality is to get rid of the 'im afraid of looking stupid' fear"-that fits me to a T. but trust me, im working on it. maybe someday...

2007-11-08T10:19:00.000-05:00

do you ever wish you could make life just a little easier for someone? assimus has gone through so much, especially lately, and she cannot catch a break. i just wish i could make things easier for her so she wouldnt have to deal with it all the time. if only parts of my own life could rub off onto hers-cause i really shouldnt complain, i have a pretty decent life. all you can do is be there for them though, and hope and pray that things turn out for the better-which trust me. i am.

on a lighter note, i should definitely thank my sister for being the wonderful sister she is. on friday i asked her to do me a favor for a project im working on, and being the fabulous architect she is, she stayed late at work to do it for me:) oh, and on top of that? she went home the next day to stack wood..knowing full well im headed home this weekend-shes just great. and i definitely dont thank her enough or give her the credit she deserves. shes so good to me! and after spending 2 years at the same college, i miss her dearly. cant wait to see her this weekend:) we also have to plan out the tattoo we're going to get. i had to do a little convincing on her part;) we're going to get a symbol relating to sisterhood thats creative and pretty, and i think she'll be happy with the results.

so i cant wait to go home this weekend for thanksgiving. school has been sort of stressful lately, and this week definitely will be. it will be nice to be away for a little while. i miss the family, so a week home will be great! and assimus might be coming home with me for a few days too:)

i better get back to work...stressful week remember?

im scared but thats not the same as being afraid

2007-11-06T16:19:00.000-05:00

so last night in one of my classes i had to take the practice NCLEX exam. for those of you that dont know, the NCLEX is an exam i take after graduation to become a nurse. if i dont pass it, i dont become a nurse. a tad stressful? yes i'd say so-to me anyways. i dont like change.at all.period. the fact that graduation is coming in about 6 months freaks the hell out of me, and even more so that i cant slow it from coming.

i dont know what i want to do after graduation. obviously with my career choice i will have a job most likely. but where? where to move to, and who to move in with-cause god knows i cant live by myself. ive practically done that for the past 3 years and its not so great. i know these seem to be small and sometimes exciting decisions for most other people, but i feel mini panic attacks everytime graduation is brought up. ive built this comfort zone around me and lived within it for the past few years, ive created a routine and made friends and created this buffer, which has allowed everything to stay the same-just how i like it. once May comes, i lose control, and thats not a feeling i enjoy. im scared of losing the close circle of friends i have. i know im not "losing" them, but in all reality, those friendships will change, and like i said...change=fear. i fear the unknown, which i understand can be exciting and great, but what if it isnt? i realize most people reading this will wonder why im having such an issue, and would love the opportunities i have available at the moment..which are pretty much anything i want. and its still 6 months away. i have time. it just seems to be slowly closing in. and i dont know how to stop it.

lazy sundays

2007-11-04T18:35:00.000-05:00

"You know that feeling you get on Sunday where you just had the whole day to yourself, and it's been great, and then you remember that you have to go to school the next day, and it just ruins the rest of the night?" [one tree hill]

for those that dont know, i love quotes. oh and lyrics. but that sums up my feelings about sundays. i like them, except when they turn into sunday nights and doing work and knowing you have class in the morning after having the weekend to yourself. i didnt do much today-slept, relaxed and got started on some work. its nice to have days like that every once in awhile, but being at home all day can get kind of bleh. my roomate barely lives here-and by that i mean about 2 nights a week, if that-so it can get kind of lonely. i also miss home. school is stressful and i cant wait for thanksgiving break, but it seems so far away. oh btw...patriots game is on-they've got to win! i dont usually like watching sports on tv besides the pats :)

anyway. i should get back work. procrastination is my friend AND enemy. have to prepare for another week...

girls day :)

2007-11-03T19:34:00.000-04:00

today was planned as a girls day for just my assimus and i :) shopping and looking at engagement rings! did i mention assimus has a serious bf that she's been dating for about 9 months? well he was gone for the day, so her and i took the opportunity to get some girl time in. we went to the nearby mall where i bought a few new things...then her and i went to several jewelry stores in the area for her to look and try on various engagement rings to determine what she likes the best. i was there for pure entertainment, but also to pass along what she likes to the bf. shopping for rings is a lot of fun, even when you're not the one trying them on :) (for anyone wondering, i am currently single and in no way even near looking at engagement rings!) so for now, i am perfectly content living vicariously through assimus. we finished the day off with a good ol chick flick before the bf came back. all in all it was a very successful and fun day together :)

to continue from last post, there is my dependee, and i am her dependent. we became fast friends my freshman year in college and our friendship only grew closer the next 2 years, and the last year we were inseparable. only downside? shes 2 years ahead of me in school and graduated a couple years ago :( but upside? we've managed to stay as close as we were before, just not as close in miles. her senior year at school, she lost her license so i was her appointed driver, which only allowed for us to hang out even more! we spent a lot of time with another couple of friends, who had a joke that they couldn't stand to be separated after graduation, so one was going to claim the other as their dependent so they could stay together (inside joke for them of course) however, we thought it was a great idea-thus, the weird nicknames. but the title of dependent is shared because she had her own little dependent last year! hes the cutest little boy i've ever seen and im proud to be his god-mother:) he was a surprise at the time to my dependee, but has turned out to be the best surprise ever. shes an amazing mother and im in awe of how she does it all. and through it all, she and i have remained so close and i love it. we managed to have more fun in the last few months before she graduated than i could ever have imagined. she is such a great friend and has always been there for me-to listen, lend a shoulder, or most importantly, make me laugh :)

i couldnt not mention assimus's bf as a substantial person in my life. hes probably one of my best guy friends, and through the past year, we've grown a lot closer. i consider him the brother i never had. he and assimus have an amazing relationship that most would envy, and he treats her so well, if only we could all be so lucky!

i think thats enough for tonight..i dont want to overload you with details, but stick around-theres more to come.

support system

2007-11-02T01:23:00.001-04:00

so i thought i would start by introducing you to the people i surround myself with every day. my friends are my life. i would do anything for any of them and they are extremely important to me.

my sister. she is 3 years older than i am and she is my role model and has been since i can remember. it took me awhile to think of an appropriate name for her, but i decided on the dreamer. she dreams to the tips of her fingers and doesnt let anyone or anything get in her way, and she works her hardest to make these dreams come true. props to her. if only we could all be so brave as to live out our dreams, or allow ourselves to believe in them. she has been there for me through thick and thin and i cant thank her enough for being an amazing older sister, but also an amazing friend. and i can also thank her for the quarter-inch scar on my left cheek-and wont ever let her forget it ;) haha

my assimus. i know you're wondering where the hell that nickname came from. long story short-her sarcasm is undeniable, and one day i was shopping and found this sign that said "national sarcasm society: pluribus assimus" and that name just stuck from then on. assimus is my best friend, and although we haven't known each other for all that long (about a year) we have been through more than most best friends will ever go through. we have definitely had our rough times, but in the end they have only strengthened our friendship. she is my inspiration. she has endured more than anyone could ever imagine, but is the most amazing person. her strength is incredible. she allows me to be myself-which in some cases is a complete dork-with no judgements. i cant thank her enough for all that she is and for allowing me to be her best friend.

there are soo many more influencial people in my life-but for today, i'll start with those. :)

i loe you

2007-11-02T00:31:00.000-04:00

so. blog one. this is something new i thought i would try-pretty much copying my one and only amazing older sister (much cooler and interesting nickname to follow) it seems cool, but i'm not really good at the whole writing thing, so we'll see how it goes, and my life may not seem that interesting to you!

so maybe i should explain where the title of blog one comes from. the whole set up process is very taxing, and when you are attempting to do it with your best friend, whom i will name assimus from here on out (to be explained later) it ended up turning into a comedy show. in this conversation she mentioned, "I LOE YOU", which to make up for the typo, explained, "you're to cool to have the same love as everybody else", which just ended up in more laughter. ok..so for all of you who did not think that was funny? thats just how we are. get used to it.

thats it i guess for the first one. i'll work on it dont worry.